Sometimes you just have to start

So I'm feeling anything but full of ample-tude today. But skimming the Notes from the Fatosphere, I was thinking how much I want to do that. I think part of me has stayed out of blogging because there are so many great bloggers in the Fat-O-Sphere that I wouldn't be the best, so why should I do it? But I think I need to do it for me. If it's not helpful to anyone else, OK. I can live with that. They don't have to read it, right? And I know that writing is theraputic for me. And lord knows I could use all the therapy I can get!

Feeling bad is annoying today, since I felt GREAT last night at Body Positive Group. Lots of successes to report, DB said it was the first time she's seen me "really doing this stuff" (referring to intuitive eating or maybe HAES in general. But being an extrovert is dangerous... riding the "high" from Group, I stayed up too late (1am ish), slept through all 5 alarms (I have sleep/wake problems, if you couldn't guess), woke up at 10 minutes til 9 -- when I should have been at work by 8:30! Got pulled in for A Talk with bosses about my chronic lateness, which I feel totally crappy about but don't seem to be able to resolve. They were very supportive, but I just don't have any answers. I'm tired all the time, I hate going to bed because sleeping is rarely comfortable and I often have nightmares; and sleeping takes time away from having fun/having down time. It doesn't seem to matter whether I sleep 6 or 8 or even 10 hours, I'm always sleepy during the day. This morning, even after waking up late and therefore having slept nearly 8 hours, I was so completely sleepy and tired that I could barely force myself to go to work...

I think the depression is flaring up; although I don't have too much of a bad mood, I was seriously not interested in interacting with the world At. All. today. I forced myself to come to work, and then the meeting with my bosses, even though it was totally supportive from their end, was a total downer because I had to face that people are noticing that I'm always late, that it's not OK, that it makes me feel like a total failure, and that despite all that I'm terrified I won't be able to fix it. On top of that, my tummy is grumpy (because I'm tired? just because it's finicky? not sure...), my head hurts (because I'm tired), customers have been annoying (isn't everyone, when you're tired?), etc. Last night or this morning I was thinking about wanting to have the stomach amputation surgery, wanting the pretend silver bullet that it isn't but that it seems like when I'm in that mood. I realized (not for the first time) that I only think like that when I'm -already- depressed. Then I was thinking I wonder if the vomiting and the thinking about stomach surgery, for me, are like what cutting is for someone who cuts him/herself. Deliberately hurting myself because the emotional/psychological pain is so bad I just need a physical outlet for it. Not that it helps... of course.