Fat Activism Conference 2015

Registration is live for the Fat Activism Conference 2015 -- at which I will be a presenter!! I am super excited and REALLY nervous, and hope that bunches of you will come along for the ride.

I think you'll love the diverse, interesting, passionate group of speakers AND the ability to listen and join in from the comfort of your own favorite comfy chair, or listen to the recordings at a time that works for you even if you're busy that weekend!

We speakers have all been invited to earn a portion of your registration price if you use our affiliate link to register. Although I would do this for free, I think it makes a huge statement that this conference does not expect that, and pays all speakers via profit share.

Here's the registration link, and from there you can click to view the conference webpage and read all the details.

http://affiliate.realbigpublishing.com/registration-fat-activism-conference/?ap_id=aevans429

Eating: back to basics

I have a hard time making healthier choices without feeling like I'm caving to the pressure to weight-loss diet. I have a hard time turning down foods that taste exciting but don't do great things for my body without feeling the old ED voices coming up to haunt me, triggered by the slightest hint of restriction. So I've spent a lot of time living in a land of overindulgence, choosing the milkshake, the chips, the full-octane everything, resisting anything that reminded me of ways I was instructed to eat in order to lose weight. Unfortunately, that meant cutting out a lot of practices and foods that would probably help me feel better, have more energy, better digestion, etc. The diet voice was still in charge; I was reacting against it rather than living under its restrictive thumb, but it was still running the show.

I was starting to worry that "eat food, stuff you like, as much as you want" wasn't for people like me. That I was deluding myself that HAES applies to someone as far out on the 'fat' end of the bell curve as I am. But luckily for me, I have a whole heap of awesome people in my life who are generous with their time and willing to talk me off the cliff.

Talking with them, I was reminded that The Fat Nutritionist is talking to me, that HAES does apply... but when your (my) relationship with food is so broken, you may have to take some time and energy to break down what "stuff you like" and "as much as you want" really mean. (Spoiler alert: they do not mean "mostly stuff you were deprived of as a restrictive eater/dieter/child whose eating was controlled by others" and "as much as it takes to make you so full it hurts but at least you're not scared of ever being hungry again.") Edit: Oh, wait. Michelle totally calls that out here. Oh well... I got there eventually.

I was reminded to dust off my toolkit and pull out tools I have forgotten to use for a while (such as the fabulous Deb Burgard's "Every Body Part Gets a Vote"). I was reminded that it's OK to make choices that are conventionally deemed "healthy" and that making said choices doesn't make me a tool of the Dieting Industrial Complex. Yup, even if choices that may make my body healthier resemble choices one might make under the tutelage of a mother who wants desperately to protect her child from a life of fatness.

I was reminded it's OK to have full-fat dressing when I want it, but that it's also OK to dig deep and realize what I really want is a light sprinkle of oil and vinegar (hey, it could happen!) AND, more importantly, it's OK to have a salad because it tastes great and is full of yummy veggies and fiber, and go ahead and have cheese and eggs on it too because I'm NOT trying to eat low-cal or low-fat per se, just trying to have a nicer life and that means fueling my body well.

Seeing my impact

When I first started on my fat acceptance journey, many people close to me didn't get it. As we all know, fat hate and pro-weight-loss are so normalized in our society that it can take a long, LONG time to unlearn it and re-calibrate ourselves to acceptance of body diversity and weight neutrality and health as a thing totally separate from weight.

Despite knowing all this, it particularly stung when my mom didn't instantly get it. The reasons why are her story to tell, though from the pieces she's shared with me I know that among other things, she got her share of crap for being "fat" growing up, and so it broke her heart to see her daughter suffering because of her weight. (Well, because of society and medicine's views on my weight, but... we're speaking about her perspective, back then.)

Over the years, she's listened as I ranted, soapboxed, and monologued. She's read my blog, supported me emotionally and otherwise, and asked questions. Over the years, I've seen her really change from the classic "but what about your HEALTH?" worries to more and more true acceptance. Still, I didn't know if it was a change in her actual feelings about weight and health, or if she still thought those worries, but was honoring my expressed boundaries not to talk about it.

So I was absolutely floored, honored, amazed, and more to receive this message from her today on the FB:

"Grrr. This is the message I sent to my new "friend" just before I unfriended her!

'I accepted your friendship because I thought you were interested in art and jewelry. I have close friends who have eating disorders that are set off by diet talk. I am not interested in that and therefore will need to unfriend you. Best regards, [my amazing mom]'"

Holy crapasaurus. I... there are no words. Thanks, mom. I love you.

The Workout Experiment: Day 10

I woke up naturally, 1 minute before my alarm clock, today! It could be that I actually went to bed before 11pm. It could be that I just happened to hit the sleep cycles just right. Or... could it be that this exercise project is already bearing fruit? Wouldn't THAT be cool... :)

Day 10: Decided to try out my commenters' suggestion of exercising in the morning before my shower. Feeling on a high from waking up naturally, I did 50 seconds before hitting the shower and getting ready for my day.

Feeling good so far... hope I don't hit an energy slump later today or anything. I'll just have to be mindful of how I'm doing throughout the day and see whether am exercise works for me.

PS - This is the first day where I'm putting two cupcake stickers right next door to each other (aka exercised 2 days in a row). I kinda thought today I was due, but it turns out not. Cool!

PPS - the word "exercise" is starting to feel less scary/yucky/OMG-anything-called-exercise-is-gonna-be-hard-painful-and-humiliating and more EMPOWERING. Again... this is all very cool! My mood is on a pretty nice high today!

The Workout Experiment: Days 8-9

Day 8: Luckily it was a planned rest day, as I spent much of the day at the Urgent Care clinic with my fiance, who was eventually transported to the ER and is currently still in the hospital with pancreatitis. (He will be OK... sadly this is what happens when you have severe diabetes and don't take proper care of yourself.)

Day 9: Walked in the door from visiting V at the hospital about 8:30pm, set down the crap in my arms (including my dinner), and went straight to the elliptical. Probably I should've eaten first - especially since hadn't had much in the way of breakfast or lunch either. But I knew if I didn't do it right then while I was still in "go" mode, it wouldn't happen. So... 40ish seconds on Day 9 - check.

Calendar update: I found an adorable printable calendar that's suiting my needs so far. And you can't beat the price tag: FREE. (OK, technically a few cents of paper and ink.)

I was going to use the classic gold stars, but took note of commenter Jeanette's input and decided to use the sparkliest, most exciting stickers I had on hand. And let me tell you... it makes a difference. I get excited to place the next one! (I may or may not be an office supply slash sticker addict.) Not quite sure what I'm gonna do when I run out of amazing glittery cupcake stickers... excuse to buy more stickers, I guess!

Action Shot: December 2012

Here's a link to the free printable for 2012, in case you need December. And here's 2013.

Do stickers on a calendar motivate you? If not, what does?

Deleted Comment

I'm flattered, I think... I have enough readers that I'm now deleting my second unacceptable comment. The first was a concern troll... this one's just downright rude.

I received the following comment on my most recent post:

Anonymous December 2, 2012 12:23 PDM

Why are you taking rest days? You should be doing SOMETHING extra every day, no excuses.

If you always say you're "too tired"/"wanted a rest day" then you're not going to get anywhere.

I will be deleting the SH*T out of this comment. Do I even need to list the reasons why? The use of "should," the scolding/reprimanding tone, the phrase "you're not going to get anywhere." Um... the exercise professionals I trust have told me to start with 3 days a week. Not to mention that telling someone who's taking first tentative steps into a new and difficult lifestyle change that they're DOING IT WRONG OOGA-BOOGA is pretty much guaranteed to be unhelpful/counterproductive.

Jerk.

The Workout Experiment: Days 6-7

Well here we are at the end of Week 1! I feel really positive, and very excited to keep moving forward...

I appreciate all the comments y'all have been leaving. When you tell me your story, even if I don't  take what you're doing and implement it exactly, I still learn from it - learning different ways to think about exercise, different ways to motivate myself, or what's triggering and anti-motivating for me. I am definitely a person who processes ideas best by thinking things through in conversation with others. I guess that's part of why I keep a blog and not just a private journal!

Day 6 was a rest day. I looked at calendars in the dollar aisle at Target (to implement the "don't break the chain" approach) but didn't find any exciting ones. Time to keep my eyes open for a calendar that makes me happy.

Day 7 (today) - got on the machine for about 36 seconds, but went a bit faster than other times. I can feel a pleasant burn in the front of my thighs now, a couple hours later. Nothing debilitating or painful, just a "yup, I moved my body." This is fun!

How do you know when you've hit just the right amount of exercise for your body? What does it feel like for you?

The Workout Experiment: Day 5

So here I was, sharing my Workout Experiment journey in part to bolster my own certainty that taking it slow was the right thing to do... but my inner judgy voice was still secretly thinking 1 minute, 30 seconds on the treadmill was really not enough. Cue Cinder Ernst, fitness coach extraordinaire, who chimed in to say,

"Yay for you. 1.5 min of the elliptical is a big chunk for day 1. I suggest starting w an amount that leaves you feeling good all over, maybe 30 seconds for a few days, then 1 min for a few days etc. You will find if you use the smallest smallest smallest of steps, consistently, your body will start to lean into it."

Thank you, Universe, for all these wonderful teachers and wise women I have been able to bring into my life! Today, without even resting after bringing in groceries - because I knew if I stopped moving I'd hit they hay and not wake up til morning - I did 35 seconds on the elliptical. And it was enough. And the next time, I might do a minute-plus. And hey - the time after that, I might do 30 seconds or a minute again.

One thing I'd fallen into without even realizing it was thinking that each session had to be longer than the one before. Which, once it was brought up to the level of conscious thought, was ridiculous. Consistency is kind of ridiculous to ask of my body - especially when nothing else in my life is consistent! I will have had different days, different levels of activity, different levels of stress... Of course I would have different capacity to exercise. Thanks, Cinder - I needed that!

Edited to add: I know Cinder's point was really to start smaller, more so than the insight I ended up getting to about consistently increasing the time not being the only measure of success. But it was Cinder's point - or rather, her voice of reason saying 1.5 min was probably too much for my body - which allowed me to tune in and really think through my expectations/assumptions. So it's really two lessons here on Day 5: 1) start EVEN. SMALLER. and 2) don't expect the seconds to only increase. They're gonna move depending on how my body feels, and that's OK too. 

Fat Poz Zone

Howdy folks,

Just a friendly reminder that this is a fat-positive zone. Or - if you can't quite manage that - at the very least, a weight-neutral zone. No discussion of intentional weight loss is welcome here, even if "you're just concerned about my health." That's called Concern Trolling (1) and it's not welcome here.

But how can you support me, if you can't tell me to lose weight, or share your inspiring story of how you lost half your body weight and have kept it off for 10 years and will sleep better at night knowing you've done everything you can to avoid the cancer that killed your mother? Read on, friend... read on.

A) Encourage me in my efforts at adopting weight-neutral, HAES(r)-based strategies for managing and improving my health and encourage me in those BEHAVIORS rather than in some perceived or "should" weight-loss goal.

• Studies abound which show that the positive health outcomes commonly attributed to weight loss will be achieved regardless of weight loss, if the healthy behaviors (movement, nutritious eating, etc) are adopted. (2)
• Studies also show that when weight loss is the motivating factor to exercise/eat healthfully, motivation tapers and the behaviors are abandoned when weight loss is not achieved or plateaus. On the other hand, when "feeling better" is the goal, incremental improvements provide positive reinforcement on an ongoing basis. 

B)  Even if it seems like weight loss might be the only way to improve how I feel, or if you cannot bring yourself to believe that my weight is not a causal factor in how I feel, resist the urge to suggest weight loss. Long-term, sustainable weight loss is just not possible for the vast majority of people.(3)

• The reality that doctors and diet programs fail to acknowledge is that somewhere around 95% of weight-loss diets fail. So by having weight loss as a goal, I'm very likely to be setting myself up for failure. 
• Still believe that I should be striving to be part of that 5%? Fine. Keep it to yourself, and see Point 1 -- you can encourage all the healthy behaviors you think I should be doing, and you are welcome to think to yourself that they'll lead to weight loss if that helps you support me. (Though hopefully you'll go out and read the research for yourself so you can continue to support me even when I don't "succeed" at becoming thin.) 

C)  For me personally, the suggestion that I need to lose weight is particularly harmful due to my medical history.

• If you really care about me, you will resist the urge to suggest weight loss for the simple and very personal reason that I have a history of eating disorder and the suggestion of weight loss from people I care about is very likely to bring on a relapse. I am tired of throwing up, depression, anxiety, etc. Seriously tired.

Footnotes: 
(1) On Concern Trolls: 
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/dont-cry-for-me-well-meaning-concern-troll/
http://fatheffalump.wordpress.com/2012/01/04/genuine-concern-vs-concern-trolling/

(2) On positive health outcomes independent of weight loss:
http://thinkmuscle.com/health/obesity-health-metabolic-fitness/
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/why-health-at-every-size/

(3) On long-term, sustainable weight loss being highly unlikely for the vast majority of people:
http://thinkmuscle.com/health/obesity-health-metabolic-fitness/
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/04/21/for-fat-patients-and-their-doctors/
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/06/12/do-diets-fail-or-do-dieters-fail/

The Workout Experiment: Day 1

I suffer from chronic back, knee, and hip pain. Even more frightening, it's been getting steadily worse, and increasingly limiting to my day-to-day activities over the past year or so. It's gotten to the point that I can't go to an amusement park or museum, can't go shopping unless there is an electric courtesy cart, can't do SO MANY THINGS. A couple of weeks ago, I reached a crisis point. I was tired of being in pain all the time, terrified of the speed at which it was getting worse, and desperate to figure out what to do about it.

So I dragged my fiance to a local sports equipment shop that carries second-hand and consignment exercise machines. Amazingly, they were far more affordable than I'd thought, and we found one we really liked AND that would fit in the small available corner of our living room. Sold! It was delivered last Tuesday, but with the craziness of getting ready for Turkey Day and then being out of town, today was Day 1.

I've decided to chronicle my efforts, for several reasons. 1) so that I can look back and see how much progress I've made, 2) in hopes that sharing my efforts and getting cheered on by my community will help keep me motivated, and 3) because I believe it's important that we all serve as role models for each other in honoring where we are and celebrating our efforts... even if - perhaps especially if - we're afraid that we'll be judged that our efforts aren't good enough, or afraid of revealing our "shame" at how small our abilities/accomplishments are at first. So, without further ado....

Day 1: I walked on the elliptical for 1 minute, 35 seconds at the lowest resistance and slowest speed I could do while still getting the pedals going in a rhythm. At the end of that time, I was breathing hard enough to be uncomfortable and could definitely "feel the burn" - particularly in the front part of my thighs. Happily, neither my back nor my knees were uncomfortable. When I stepped off the machine, I did feel a little unsteady on my feet and needed to sit down. But recovery was fairly fast. Given that I have little/no experience of exercise since middle school PE torture, I don't feel well calibrated as to how I'm supposed to feel and how far I'm supposed to push myself, so I'm erring on the side of caution. Nothing's more likely to dis-incentivize me to keep up this project than pushing myself too hard and ending up in a bunch of pain.

So there ya go. Day 1. Go me! :)

Apparently fat causes uterine cancer...

The following is a letter I sent to the Fat Studies Group in hopes that I can get some answers on this issue. I wanted to go ahead and post it here, because I'm sure anything a doc has told me, other docs have told other fatties. Any helpful responses I get, I'll post here as well (if I can get permission) or at least summarize so that others can benefit from whatever wisdom the Fat Studies Group members are kind enough to share.

Also, hey, I know there are plenty more smart and wise people in the world than can possibly be contained in one Fat Studies Group (even as awesome as this group is)! So if you have thoughts/wisdom/knowledge to add, please do! :)

TO: Fat Studies Group
DATE: 11/16/2012

Hi folks,

I need your wisdom and your knowledge, please. I am in a great deal of distress over some medical stuff and accompanying weight blaming, and I need to arm myself with information in order to navigate my way through.

As have so many of us, I have spent a lot of time, energy, and resources working to unlearn the paradigm that fat=health risk and that lose weight=better health outcomes. I know to ignore docs when they tell me to lose weight to improve my blood pressure, cholesterol, prevent diabetes, etc. I know it's about healthy behaviors, not a weight or a BMI on a chart. I know that when the myriad medical voices and social pressures get too overwhelming and gastric bypass starts to sound like a magic wand, I need to turn to my support system and recharge and remind myself that it is SO NOT the answer. I am a believer in Fat Lib, HAES, the whole shebang.

And yet... I've gotten a new argument thrown at me that I haven't encountered before, and it's thrown me for a loop. Apparently now I need to lose weight or I'm going to get uterine cancer. Let me 'splain...

Dirty

Part 2 of 3 (CONTINUED from my earlier post of moments ago, where this little tidbit just didn't quite fit.)

Possible trigger warning (same as before): I'll be discussing gynecological issues and some sexuality shame that snuck up without warning and whacked me on the head like a ton of bricks... but so far no fat hate to warn y'all about (yay for small favors!)

Later in the evening, as the "You have an STD" portion of the conversation sunk in more, I began to feel really yucky. As in dirty, tainted, ashamed; feeling that my fiance would not want me - and should not; ugly stuff. For those of you not in the "mean voice in Amanda's head" club, you may have noticed we went from fact-land (per my doc, HPV is very common and hard to detect, no way to tell when you got it because it can lay dormant for years, no way to tell whether I or my partner brought it into our relationship, etc. etc.) to OMG BAGGAGE & SHAME in about 5 seconds flat.

I know that my sexuality hangups are all entangled and chicken-or-egg-y with my general body issues and hangups. When you grow up mistrusting your body, feeling undesirable, ungirly/unwomanly, diseased, etc., as I did - it seems only logical that dysfunctional relationship with my body generally would seep into a dysfunctional sexuality. this is a part of my personal self-work and my fat poz explorations that I've just begun to look into; I'm pretty sure I'm still just barely scratching the surface.

You may be interested to know (perhaps even proud of me, as I am a little of myself) that when I calmed down and realized all these nasty thoughts weren't just going away, I emailed my doc and told her some of my concerns. I asked her for some facts to help clear the cobwebs. Here's what she said:

HPV is a very common diagnosis. Unfortunately, there are typically no symptoms at all which is why we screen for it. In general, condoms are not very effective at preventing transmission... In most men, it causes no symptoms or problems at all. The one exception is that sometimes men can develop genital warts from this. Only if genital warts develop are we able to biopsy diagnosis HPV in men. Just to give you an idea, over 80% of women with more than a total of 5 lifetime partners will have HPV sometime in their lives. Over 95% of women with HPV will clear the infection on their own. I definitely think we should talk about this more, however. I'm hoping you can make an appointment for later this week.

I'm not totally sorted out, but it helped. 

Takeaway from round 2: Asking for help really does help. Being surrounded by people who care about you and feel strongly about you not feeling sh*tty about yourself helps, too. 

Have you asked for help recently (on a fat-poz issue or any issue)? How did it go?

Two victories in one little gym trip = WIN

Making this a quick, run-by blogging as I have much to do today... but had to set down in text and in my memory the awesome experience I had this past Saturday morning:

I went to a new-to-me YMCA, and for the first time in my life was totally comfortable walking around in the locker room nude. There were so many diverse bodies (though mostly age diversity, no other super size gals were there at the time I was), and everyone was so naturally at ease, that it was easy to be at ease too. Of course the years of work and struggle I've put in learning to be happier in my own skin probably helped too. So I'm taking a moment to revel and feel proud!

Another reason to feel proud... We had meant to go for the deep water aerobics class, which I thought was at 8:30. However, it was actually at 8am, and already well underway when we arrived... but instead of giving up, I grabbed my workout buddy (aka fiance) and dragged him to the shallow pool where we could do some water walking instead. 

PS - I am painfully aware that this is not my best writing. More along the lines of a FB status than a "real"/"good enough" blog, says my inner critic. So please be gentle and support me in taking a risk in posting it anyway, because I don't have time today to refine it to where I'd like it to be. And posting something rough is WAY better than waiting until I can post something "real", which will lead to never posting anything, and losing this great moment from my memory!

Appreciation and privilege

I just want to say that although I've largely stayed quietly on the sidelines through the various discussions I've seen lately in various corners of my fat activism world about race, discrimination, and privilege, I've appreciated them.

I appreciate the work of activists of color who are enduring silently the racism within our movement; I know I cannot understand fully how hurtful it is, but I do feel sad about the hurt you endure. And I appreciate your willingness to hang in there in the face of ignorance and spite and other negative stuff.

I appreciate the voices of activists of color who are willing to speak their concerns about racism they feel, and face, and endure. I know you often get negativity back when you share your criticisms and concerns, and I feel so disappointed and angry when that happens. I appreciate that you share them anyway. 

I appreciate the humility and grace of those who possess white privilege and are willing to be on a journey of dialogue and learning about what that means and how to best be a Fat Lib voice for justice, liberation, and positivity for ALL the members of our Fat Lib community and fat people everywhere.

I aspire, and strive, to be one of the latter. I know I'll fail sometimes, which makes it hard for me to speak up at all. And I recognize that not speaking up at all can, in itself, be a failure to be the activist I want to be. So I thank the folks who are willing to take the time, the energy, the patience to educate, or point towards education, or in any other way help those of us who are white, who do have privilege, and who want to understand it and try never to abuse it. Thank you for doing the work you do, so that I and others in my situation can take steps on the journey of an inclusive Fat Lib movement with less fear of making a hurtful misstep.

Blog-linky love

No time for a full post, but I want to direct attention to a couple of blogs I have really enjoyed today.

First, a relative newcomer to the FatOSphere: Samantha and her blog Horrible Food Ogre. Samantha is a longtime FatOSphere reader and commenter, new blogger as of last December... and I'm loving what she has to say. I SO. COMPLETELY. RELATE.

Next, a new-to-me (and if this post is any indication, new addition to my shortlist of faves) blog called This Woman's Work. The specific post that hooked me, and good: On Being Round. I love, love, LOVE stories of moms raising daughters who feel good, beautiful, proud in their round bodies. LOVE!

Finally, a perennial favorite of mine: Katja's blog, Family Feeding Dynamics. Katja is an MD who works primarily with children and feeding, influenced by the work of the great Ellyn Satter, but her advice applies to eaters of all ages.

(Incidentally, a post on Katja's blog led me to On Being Round, which led me to Samantha. Yay for interconnectedness!)

And now, off to my 7pm appointment that's an hour-plus in traffic away (and it's 5:45 - oops!)!!

Self care... it's a right, not a privilege

The New Year's Revolution Challenge for Thursday, January 20, is: 

Pick up the phone today and make that medical or self-care appointment you keep meaning to schedule!

When we don't feel good in our own skin, or we have had the experience of being humiliated, lectured, and scolded time and time again by medical professionals, or we feel ashamed of parts of our bodies, it's easy not to feel worthy of, or entitled to, medical care or self-care or those little physical luxuries like massage or pedicures. 

I'm here to remind you, and myself too, that we are all entitled to compassionate medical care and decadent pampering. Our bodies do not disqualify us! I have finally, after 10 years of searching, lined up a Primary Care Physician and a pedicurist (two of my most crucial care providers - more on why pedicurist is on that short list later!) that make me feel I can get medical care when I need it, preventive care before I need it, and regular pedicures so my chronic ingrown toenails are kept under control - and my feet look pretty and make me feel all girly and happy.

It actually takes two doctors to make one Primary Care Physician to see to my needs. First, there's my official PCP - a family medicine physician I'll call Dr. H, who practices at the local giant non-profit full-service medical clinic (think Kaiser, but local not national). Dr. H is a lovely woman, and seems to care about me deeply. I like her, too, and always ask about her kids and really feel I have a relationship with her. Unfortunately, I've been seeing her for years, and despite trying again and again to bring her up to my HAES standards, she can't or won't get on board. When I tell her about problems she doesn't know how to solve for me with a pill or a needle, she resorts to recommending weight loss because she's so desperate to do something to help me. I even had her talk to my HAES-expert therapist, and all Dr. H got from it was "Dr. B thinks you should exercise, too." Uh-huh... not exactly the full picture of Dr. B's explanation of HAES.

So why do I stay with her? Well... it comes down to the devil you know. I considered leaving - actually tried another doc - and the new one was WAY worse than the old. She actively pushed the issue of WLS! So I did some soul-searching, and decided that I just didn't have the sanity points in my life (or the money or the time to take off work!) to try meeting with a dozen - or a hundred - possible PCPs in order to find the one in a million who truly 'gets' HAES. Or more likely, is incrementally better than Dr. H but still not the HAES guru of my dreams. In the meantime, I've thrown away a person who truly cares about me and my health and happiness, who has a (admittedly major) blind spot but is otherwise really helpful and good to me.

The reason I'm able to settle for less than perfection in my official PCP is because I have another person on my team. I've been working with a naturopathic doctor, Dr. J-L, for the past six months or so. She, too, is less than my perfect HAES guru. (What can I say? I have high standards...!) But she's less indoctrinated in Western medicine, obesity-epidemic-booga-booga than a standard doc - to the point where she understands that a "morbidly obese" person such as myself can also have an eating disorder, and because of that understanding, she will not cross the line and give me weight-loss focused nutritional advice. In fact, she's so careful that several times I've had to explicitly say, "Please, go on... I'm totally open to your advice on nutrition. The only thing I don't want to hear is calories or pounds. General nutrition guidelines are welcome!"

So after one too many weight-loss discussions with Dr. H, and the terrible WLS discussion five minutes after meeting Dr. E (that's the new potential PCP I met with once - the 'E' is for evil!), I went to Dr. J-L and proposed a deal. I told her I'd like us to agree that as far as the two of us are concerned, she's my *real* PCP, and Dr. H is my Western Medicine Liason. We can't tell Dr. H this, of course. But I realized that if I 'manage' Dr. H by avoiding talking to her about things that will trigger her fears and stereotypes about "obesity" (back pain, knee pain, foot pain... things she associates with curing by weight loss, or has no good way to help with other than prescribing weight loss), she can give me great care on other issues, the kind Western medicine is good at (sinus infections, PAP smears, etc.). And now, I have Dr. J-L to help me with those issues Dr. H isn't so good at, so I had the luxury to do so.

The upside? Dr. J-L is helping me feel better on a day to day basis. Dr. H is there to prescribe me antibiotics when my sinuses go haywire. Everybody wins.

The downside? Dr. J-L isn't covered by insurance. Not even a little bit. And I have good insurance through work! And of course, I still don't have my HAES guru. Or rather, I have many HAES gurus, but none of them is my PCP.

But hey... it's working for me. At least until I come up with something better. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to plan my next pedicure.

Keep your assumptions off my body

So over the past 24 hours, I've had a catastrophically yucky initial meeting with my (potential, violently rejected) new primary care physician, followed by (admittedly mild, but I'm sensitive to this sort of thing) Facebook drama. I posted on Facebook shortly after I left the office, because I was upset and distressed by the horrific 5 minutes I'd spent with the doctor. Unfortunately, in addition to several supportive comments, one friend (whose partner is a WLS "success story") posted a finger-wagging comment basically scolding me for overreacting, saying that it was probably appropriate for the doc to act as she did. Then, some other rad fatties and allies posted vehemently anti-WLS comments. Which felt good to read, but they in turn prompted the pro-WLS friend to spring to the defense of WLS. All of this in comments that started to feel like a flame war on my FB. It was to the point by this morning where each FB notification was making me feel sick, because I dreaded what it was going to be...

Finally, I decided to respond. But I'd been doing so much thinking that it became far more blog-length than comment-length. So I'm posting it here instead. I'm sure some rad fatties and anti-WLS people will think my position is not strong enough. While on the other hand, my friends and acquaintances who have positive ideas about WLS will probably feel I'm being unreasonable in my resistance. I can't please you all. I can only try to think this through and navigate it the best I can. I am torn, caught in the middle between the hordes and masses of society who think my body is an abomination, a disease to be "cured" by any means necessary, and by the small, quiet voices of fat acceptance and HAES and the tentative reaching instincts of my own body and soul, which tell me that fat is part of my biology and my identity and it's the world that needs to change, to stop treating me badly and seeing me as a problem and an intrusion.

There's so much to respond to in what everyone said on my FB. I agree with the strong negative feelings that many of you have about these surgeries. On the other hand, I understand where my friend who said the distressing stuff was coming from (even though the way he said it really hurt!). I know several "success stories" for whom the surgery was really wonderful and they are feeling great / much improved / it was all worth it / etc. Which only serves to confuse me because I feel even more pressure to accept the pressure of medical professionals. However, I simply must stick to my own gut feeling/intuition/confidence that this is NOT the right path for me - at least right now. I won't say never, cause who knows?

What truly pisses me off about this doc is that, as I said in my initial FB status post, she had met me LITERALLY 5 minutes before stating that bariatric surgery was really my only option. She had not had me fill out any new patient paperwork. It's almost certain that had not reviewed my medical record extensively, if at all, given how overworked clinicians are these days and the fact that I had not scheduled a full physical, just a 15 minute appt. When she walked in, she asked, "What can I do for you today?" I stated that I am looking for a new primary care physician, and she repeated, "But what do you want today," or something. She didn't ask me any questions or move to initiate the getting-to-know-you conversation I was hoping for. So I said that I am looking for a team captain, that I see a variety of specialists for different concerns, including a naturopath, chiropractor, psychologist, occasionally podiatrist. I went on to express that I was seeing her because I am looking for a new primary care doc who will NOT insist on constantly recommending HMR (my medical group's in-house version of Weight Watchers) or bariatric surgery, as those recommendations aggravate my eating disorder and depression. I explained that I believe in focusing on changing behaviors, not focusing on weight (working my way into explaining HAES). But before I could elaborate, she said that that was just it, we can't change behaviors, and that for someone in my "category" the only viable option is bariatric surgery.

Really? You don't want to hear more about the eating disorder I just mentioned? But of course fat women don't have eating disorders, do they? If you have an eating disorder, it makes you skinny. After all, the same thing we diagnose as an eating disorder if you're below a certain weight (severely limiting calories, obsessively planning meals and reading nutrition labels, working out to excess, etc.), we prescribe to fat people, don't we! You don't want to know if I exercise or not, or what I eat, before making such a sweeping statement? But of course not; you know exactly how I eat (poorly) and whether I exercise (obviously not even a little) from looking at me, right? It may be - it probably is true - that I will never eat or exercise "perfectly."  But you don't even ask the questions??? It was blatantly clear that this woman thought she knew everything relevant about me just by looking me up and down. And so I told her, "ok, well that's what I needed to know. We're done here." She protested, "But don't you want a flu shot or a whooping cough booster?" "No, I don't want anything from you." Not exactly the ringing, persuasive speech I might craft if I were a character in my own movie... but I didn't cry. I didn't give her that. At least, not til I got to my car.

I have done a lot of thinking on this in the last 24 hours and I've come to believe that my feelings on WLS and abortion are somewhat parallel. In both cases, I believe that everyone has the right to choose to go through that procedure, but it is emotionally complex and has long-lasting physical and emotional consequences and should not be taken up lightly. In both cases I would not personally choose that procedure but respect others' right to make their own personal decisions about what is best for their bodies and their lives. And just as I would be offended by a doctor who recommended abortion just because I was visibly pregnant and single, I am offended by a doc who recommends bariatric surgery just because I'm fat.

Pro-choice folks have the slogan, "Keep your laws off my body." While there is no law that one must have bariatric surgery (though it's getting scarier and scarier in terms of de facto weight loss requirements embedded in ability/non ability to access health care in this country), there is a TON of pressure out there, especially for folks like me who are in the very far right (not politics, math - on a graph, bigger numbers are to the right!) portion of the weight bell curve. So it may not be as catchy, but I say it with gusto:

KEEP YOUR ASSUMPTIONS OFF MY BODY. Yes, I mean you, Dr. And you, well-meaning friend. My body is mine. In this day when fatness increasingly IS a choice (if you believe bariatric surgery is a viable option, which so many seem to), it becomes increasingly difficult to stand up and say, "I am fat. I don't believe thinness is a choice for me. So I am going to live in this fat body" without getting some pretty forceful push-back.

Ok, now I have all sorts of interesting thoughts percolating about how just when we thought people might accept that diets don't work, and therefore fatness really is biological and not a "choice"... in walks bariatric surgery, and in just a few short years goes from experimental to frighteningly mainstream. Coincidence?

But that's a subject for another day... This post is already exceedingly long. Kudos and thanks, if you're reading this. You've made it to the END OF THE POST. Leave me a (positive, no meanies allowed!) comment and you get a gold star. :)

NAAFA Newsletter

I just submitted my first article for the NAAFA newsletter. Unless the editor hates it or something, it'll be published this month!

UPDATE: The editor loves it (yay!) but feels it would be a better fit for November's newsletter... so it will be a bit longer 'til it's published.

It's silly how excited I am to have a piece of my writing published - even though it's unpaid and only in an email newsletter. Still, a LOT of people will be getting/reading it, and that's very cool!

What do 10-plus pounds of wool look like?

So as a participant, I couldn't wear my beautiful purple gauze top (purple is for the Queen, don't'cha know?) and by this time I'd outgrown my velvet bodice (which I wouldn't have been allowed to wear anyway). So I went and bought a premade bodice. Again, even at this larger size, I had multiple options! They laced me into a royal blue bodice and I chose a goldy/ochre shirt shot through with threads of blue and maroon and forest green so that it coordinated perfectly with my blue bodice and the maroon skirt I'd made for that first costume 6 or 7 years earlier. Unfortunately, I quickly realized that in order to (mostly) fit my waist/hip area, they'd given me a bodice that was far too large in the chest. Here I was, ready to be beautiful and sexy and have all my bits rearranged into pleasing configurations... and my boobs were sinking (you don't wear a bra under a bodice). I went back to the vendor. Their answer? Shore up the ladies with a rolled up sock under each. Blech. I wanted to be sexy on my own. I didn't want to need a rolled up sock. How... high school. Middle school. Adolescent. Annoying/shameful. I never did try the sock thing. For 3 or 4 or 5 seasons, I suffered with a bodice that fit my waist but was too long so it always rode up, and had so much spare room in the top that I could fit my whole fist inside. Inside a garment that's supposed to fit like a corset! Over time as the garment "broke in" (i.e. wore out), the top got even looser and the bottom had to be left with a fairly substantial gap in the lacing... with the result that I was easily mistaken for pregnant! Fat girl nightmare!! I was miserable with the outfit, but unemployed and Faire is expensive even without new clothes, and I didn't feel I could afford the $70-100 for another pre-made bodice - especially considering I wasn't confident one existed off the rack that would really fit me right, anyway.

I finally started making inquiries about having a bodice made custom. Mamma Zini, AKA the formidable long-time costume mistress for the REC faires, had a clothing booth adjacent to my guild's area. Mamma Zini was a fat woman. (I say "was" with sorrow, as she passed away this year.) She was also a wonderful costumer, and made clothes for her own fat body - a body nearer the size of my own than most people I ever interact with. If she could make herself look great, surely she could construct a bodice for me! But sadly, she wasn't enthusiastic about trying to make a bodice long-distance from Los Angeles. I kept talking with her about it in the course of our friendship, and picking her brain half-heartedly for tips on making my own. Finally, one year - it must have been 2007 or so - I was fed up with my old bodice. I was talking with Mamma Z in between us all packing up and told her I simply had to buy a new bodice for the next year, even if it wasn't perfect it had to be better than the one I had that made me so sad. She beckoned her husband.

"Go get that bodice. You know, the (insert how she explained to him which one she wanted) one." He disappeared into their booth's storage container and came out with a brownish bodice with yellow and maroon trim. "Lace her into it," Mamma directed. He complied. It felt great! A little short, but sooooo much better than the blue one of doom. She gave it to me on the spot, explaining she'd bought it off the rack when she'd needed a bodice for herself on the double, had added the trim because she is a costumer and can't stand an unadorned bodice, but didn't really use it much. It was still nearly brand new. I made some token protest, but really I couldn't be anything but grateful.

It wasn't perfect. It was smallish on the bottom in order to fit better on top (because apparently my shape isn't what they design for in the bodice market). In fact, wearing it the next year, I managed to give myself bruises around my ribs where I laced the bodice so tightly that the waistbands of the skirts underneath dug into me. But at least I had boobs, and the bodice was beautiful and I felt Mamma Z's love and rad-fattie solidarity every time I wore it.

Finally, in spring of 2009, I got a real job that actually paid enough to pay my bills. I was no longer borrowing from Mom and Dad every month, and I took the leap. I called up a costumer friend and asked if she wanted to make a Ren Faire outfit. She did, of course, being a costumer. She's no "mere" seamstress (and yes, I use that designation carefully - not wanting to be a jerk like Project Runway). She's an artist. She made a gown that is more conservative and yet shaplier than any bodice I've ever worn. I don't have to have boobage spilling everywhere to feel sexy; instead, I have quiet, beautiful, historically-appropriate elegance. I love, love, love this gown, let me tell you. It's almost all wool, except some of the trim which I had her cut from a dying mustard-yellow skirt (my 2nd, and less successful, Faire-skirt sewing project). On hot days, I think, no know, I was insane to pick wool. On cold days, I'm a happy girl. On all days, I delight in the delicious historical accuracy of it. Ah, the torment we impose on ourselves for our hobbies and passions!

It's my 8th Renaissance Faire as a participant this year. It may not be Fatty Mecca, but I'm having a great time. And I'm finally wearing something that helps me feel good in the body I own, that accentuates what I have instead of pushing and pulling and helping and hiding. Here's me, in my 10 pounds of wool. Take me or leave me.

The most wonderful time of the year...

Good morrow, good gentles, and how fare ye this day?

I mean, uh... hey guys! So this may sound a bit like an advertisement, but only cause I really, REALLY love what I do and I tend to have this thought that everyone else in the world should love it to. Will love it, if they just come out and play with me. I realize this is not the case, but nevertheless I can't resist waxing poetic about the whole thing from time to time.

Now, I started wanting to go to a Ren Faire back in elementary school, first went in high school (rented costume the first year, then bought a bodice my second time), and knew I just HAD to participate after reading Camryn Manheim's book, Wake Up - I'm Fat! In it, she talks about coming of age at Faire as Chloe Blue Eyes (forgive me if the details are off... it's been like 10 years since I read this book), and it being this mecca of fat acceptance, where her fat body was finally OK and all around her were other self-loving rad fatties in bodices and whatnot.

I bought a bodice on my second visit to the Ren Faire (approx. 1997). Shopping for my first bodice was an amazing experience. There were choices in my size, the cute young lad salesman flirted or at least bantered while he laced me up, and my final selection was... wait for it... a beautiful jewel-toned velvet bodice and a deep purple gauzy top (I'd made my own skirt)! I promptly decided that a bodice was just about the most flattering piece of clothing for my body type ever invented - it pushed all the "right" things in all the "right" places and made me feel great! (And yes, I realize this implies that my body is not "right" in its natural state. I'm getting to that.)

Fast forward about 6 years. I've now finished high school, gone away to college for four years, graduated, and am finally in the right place at the right time to become a Renaissance Faire participant! The Faire is in a new location, Casa de Fruta in Gilroy/Hollister area - much closer to my home, and I proudly set out the first day of workshops to join the Faire. And of course nothing is a simple as a mecca of fat acceptance. Perhaps times have changed, or perhaps Chloe Blue Eyes wore some rose-colored glasses, or... who knows. But while Faire is my home away from home, my 2nd family, it's not any kind of mecca. Several of my guild-mates have had gastric bypass surgery (fairly to very successfully - not just in weight loss but in lack of side effects - which is perpetuating more and more in that circle of friends to consider it for themselves), which means there are some pretty major land mines to avoid. All the stars of all the shows are slim, or "appropriately" curved but still what I would consider slender/socially acceptable. But there are also awesome young women and men of diverse body sizes rocking it out in all their different roles, and unafraid to bare some skin after hours in fairy costumes or princess costumes, tummies and all. And though it's not the mecca I dreamed of, it's family... and well in the range of acceptable dysfunction for a family gathering!

This post is now officially WAY too long, and I still haven't told you about my 2nd Ren Faire costume, or my current one. That will have to wait for a future post, I guess.