Sunday, April 15, 2018

Crowdsourcing a great podcast name

Crossposted from my personal FB page:

I suck at catchy names. I'm dreaming about the podcast I hope to start someday, and I need a name to hook the dreaming to.
I'm envisioning a roleplaying game actual play podcast with a gender-diverse cast, leaning toward maybe female and NB only? (Not sure yet, depends on who I find that's as excited about this as me and willing to jump in and commit. I feel like it's too early to rule out anything since this is just in the rattling-around-in-my-head stage. I might find a man I decide would be an asset. He would have to be deeply feminist, anti-racist, anti-ableist, fat libber, LGBTQ+ affirming, etc, of course; non-cis and/or non-het would be preferred.)
I'd also like to make it diverse on other axes but I also don't want to tokenize. Discussions on this front most welcome, but maybe on a different thread since I started this asking for name help? Or maybe here. Whatever people want to do.
As for the RPG side... We would most likely start with D&D 5E since D&D is the most well-known system and 5E is the most accessible edition for me. But the name should be general enough that we have freedom to explore other systems and worlds.
Ultimately, it's a podcast about using roleplaying and group storytelling to envision worlds and stories that are intersectional on every axis, not just the same old fantasy trope status quo.
Some keywords/concepts that the title might use or imply...
natural 20
critical hit
critical miss
gender diverse
not your dad's D&D
questioning tropes
"the future is female" / "the future is intersectional"
maybe something that makes a great acronym?

Saturday, January 7, 2017

Massage appointment

I have been in nearly excruciating back and neck pain since earlier this week. I even purchased a handheld percussion massager and while that helped a little, I still really wanted professional help. I was starting to feel desperate and started Yelping massage therapists. Stumbled on one that does in-home massage and that was a revelation: I wouldn't have to navigate an unfamiliar (likely inaccessible) location, or drive (which hurts), or wrestle my scooter. 
I did another search specifically for in-home massage.  In the process, I saw a lot of reviews for prenatal massage, which was sort of a light bulb -- if they can work with a pregnant belly, why not with my big belly? And there was mention of massage lying on one's side, another moment of discovery -- since facedown is untenable and on my back is uncomfortable. Eventually I found one with great reviews. Checked out the website and liked the look of it. Confirmed I'm in their service area. But above all, there was story after story about the owner, Riya, going above and beyond, being compassionate and intuitive, etc.
So...I filled out the request for massage" form on the website. I explained I was a person of size; I needed to know if they could accommodate my need to be on my side during the massage; that I have chronic pain and I was really hoping they could help me. I hoped it might work out but in my gut I really expected them not to have a table that would accommodate me, to be overtly unwilling to work with me, or to reveal subtle fat hate.
Instead, Riya, the owner, called me a couple hours after I sent my email left a message that her table is rated to 700 pounds, lying on my side is no problem, and she was reaching out to learn more about my situation so that she could determine what equipment to bring to best help me.
We played phone tag a couple times yesterday, then connected this evening and spoke for about 20 minutes. I explained I really think massage could help me but I've been reluctant because I am scared of therapists being disgusted by my body. I told her about my various health concerns and pains. She was compassionate and I got a good feeling from her. I really, really hope this is a beginning of a therapeutic relationship that makes a big difference for me. 

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Fat Activism Conference 2015

Registration is live for the Fat Activism Conference 2015 -- at which I will be a presenter!! I am super excited and REALLY nervous, and hope that bunches of you will come along for the ride.

I think you'll love the diverse, interesting, passionate group of speakers AND the ability to listen and join in from the comfort of your own favorite comfy chair, or listen to the recordings at a time that works for you even if you're busy that weekend!

We speakers have all been invited to earn a portion of your registration price if you use our affiliate link to register. Although I would do this for free, I think it makes a huge statement that this conference does not expect that, and pays all speakers via profit share.

Here's the registration link, and from there you can click to view the conference webpage and read all the details.

Friday, May 1, 2015

Defending Fat Positive Space

So one thing that constantly comes up in fat-positive community is the unrelenting stream of folks who protest that they need to be allowed to talk about their weight loss journey in fat-positive, explicitly diet-talk-free spaces. Or even that their weight loss goals are compatible with fat activism. I have a two-part response to folks who are choosing to pursue weight loss while participating in fat positive space.

Part 1) Nope, weight loss goals are not fat positive.
(Nope, not even yours, no matter what your justification is. Nope, not "for your health." Nope, not "as long as you're doing it safely and sanely." Nope, not because "it's ok if some people are happy being fat but you're not and something has to change.") Yup, that's radical. I'm unapologetic.

In the words of the always wise and amazing Marilyn Wann, weight loss goals are "mostly ineffective, sometimes harmful, and always promoting anti-fat beliefs."
1a) "mostly ineffective, sometimes harmful": the pursuit of intentional weight loss flies in the face of the masses of data that show that our bodies resist weight loss. Despite the massive denial pretty much everyone around us, medical professionals and laypeople alike, weight loss is not something we get to "choose." The vast majority of people will gain back the weight, often plus more. It doesn't matter if the weight loss is "for one's health" or any other reason. Bodies don't know why we're trying to lose weight, so the reason doesn't affect the underlying metabolic processes.
1b) "always promoting fat beliefs": Intentional weight loss is inherently anti-fat-positive. When one sets out to attempt to lose weight, one is placing value on being smaller over being larger. (Whether the value is the hope that one will be prettier, or in less pain, or less oppressed, it's still value.) Intentional weight loss is always at odds with fat activism and fat positivity. While one can say that one "doesn't judge others" the reality is weight loss goals indicate a judgment that fat can - at least in certain cases - be pathological. Fat positivity is about separating weight from health and judgment from both.

Part 2) On the other hand, this doesn't mean that we won't have all sorts of health problems, that we won't occasionally slip into feeling bad about our health or our bodies, or even slip into shaming/blaming our fat for our problems. It also doesn't mean that we won't have times when our fatness actually does cause us hardship in the world. All of this can be talked about in fat-positive space, if talked about with care. It doesn't have to be all roses all the time. But we need to talk about these things from a fat positive perspective that keeps the spaces safe.
It's the difference between saying, "my knees hurt so badly today, I think I'll try to lose 10 pounds" (not OK in fat positive space) and "my knees hurt so badly today, does anyone have ideas on how to make them feel better?" (totally cool) or even, "my knees hurt so badly today it's hard to remember not to blame my fat. Could you all post some fattie love?" (also awesome). It's not that the knee pain might not be caused or exacerbated by our superfat weight. It's that whether or not weight is a causal factor IS IRRELEVANT because there is no known way to safely and sustainably choose to lose weight. So we choose to focus on those things that we can control - exercise for strength, food for fulfillment, and let the weight fall where it may.

This belief system is an underlying assumption of any truly fat positive space. It is a big leap to take, from mainstream dialogue about bodies, health, and fatness... it takes abandoning pretty much everything we've ever been told about fatness, about bodies, about how to be happy. Not everyone is ready or interested in going there. And that's cool. The Underpants Rule says so. But to them I say:

Dear Pursuer of Weight Loss,
Fat positive space is predicated on the rejection of prioritizing thinness over fatness and the letting go of the notion that we choose our body size. You are not there yet. That's OK - I certainly cannot and would never tell anyone what they can or cannot do with their own body. But it does mean at times your beliefs will be at odds with the beliefs on which this space is founded. The discomfort that comes along with that is something only you can decide whether you are willing to endure in order to get all the happy awesomeness of the ways in which you do feel good in this group.
Much love and wishes for full fat awesome living,

Monday, March 2, 2015

Why I won't WLS

So I guess this is my version of a Fat Acceptance 101 post. A long talk with a friend over February break helped me sort out most of the thinking, and then an "I believe in HAES but I want WLS because I'm in pain and weight loss will fix it" post and the numerous pro-WLS and WLS-accepting replies thereto -- in a purportedly HAES online group -- motivated me to write it out.

When you strip away the siren song of a cure for whatever ails us (whether that be physical pain, mental pain, disability, etc), this all remains true:

1) Medical science has NO CLUE whether being less fat actually confers the health benefits medical science associates with being less fat, because very little research has been done that effectively proves causation rather than mere correlation. (In other words, we don’t actually know if being thinner is healthier than being fatter.)

2) Medical science has NO CLUE whether making a naturally/genotypically fat person into an artificially/phenotypically less fat person (whether via typical "diet and exercise" or more intensive surgical means) actually confers the health benefits associated with being less fat. (In other words, even if being thinner is healthier than being fatter, we don’t know if that is because of the thinness itself or because of other genetic factors. We don't know if becoming thinner through external means will make you as healthy as a person who is naturally thin.)

3) Medical science has not identified ANY weight loss interventions that are proven by good quality studies to be effective in the long term for more than about 5% of people. This includes WLS. (In other words, even if becoming thinner is healthier, WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE THINNER. This is key.)

4) Medical science does NOT fully understand the human metabolism and the complex mechanisms by which our brains, hormones, enzymes, digestive system, and other body systems regulate how our bodies use and store the energy we take in. (In other words, it’s no wonder intentional weight loss doesn’t work – we don’t even understand the body systems we are attempting to control!)

5) What medical science DOES know is that our bodies adjust how efficiently we use energy, when and whether to use energy versus store energy for later use, and so on, based on how much energy we take in, how much energy we expend, and who knows how many other variables. (In other words, our bodies are not the same as car engines. The whole “just eat less and exercise more” mantra is fundamentally flawed, because our metabolism is constantly reacting to changing circumstances and changing how it processes fuel accordingly.)

6) Because medical science does not comprehend how to adjust the human metabolism, WLS works on the same general principle as weight loss interventions (giving the body less fuel so that it uses energy from stored reserves, e.g. body fat) but depends on a physical impediment to the body’s intake of fuel rather than a behavioral impediment. (In other words, WLS is just a weight loss diet with a “gun to the gut” in the form of some sort of physical implant or mutilation of the organs that inhibits the body’s ability to eat much volume and/or to absorb the nutrition from what is eaten.)

Yes, it is logical that some of our afflictions may be caused in some way by our larger bodies, and the wear and tear to joints and body systems caused by asking them to work hard transporting our eloquent poundage through life. But given all of the above, it seems clear that this is moot. Intentional weight loss is not an option. WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FAT BODIES SMALLER. Diets don't magically work just because we are in pain and are doing weight loss "for our health." Biology doesn’t understand intent.

If we want to feel better, we need to focus on things we can control: eating food that feels good and provides us energy, moving our bodies in ways that build strength and stamina, and getting psychological and emotional support to process the complex and difficult emotions that come with living in pain, living with disability, and being a member of a marginalized and oppressed group in society.

Monday, July 7, 2014

Eating: back to basics

I have a hard time making healthier choices without feeling like I'm caving to the pressure to weight-loss diet. I have a hard time turning down foods that taste exciting but don't do great things for my body without feeling the old ED voices coming up to haunt me, triggered by the slightest hint of restriction. So I've spent a lot of time living in a land of overindulgence, choosing the milkshake, the chips, the full-octane everything, resisting anything that reminded me of ways I was instructed to eat in order to lose weight. Unfortunately, that meant cutting out a lot of practices and foods that would probably help me feel better, have more energy, better digestion, etc. The diet voice was still in charge; I was reacting against it rather than living under its restrictive thumb, but it was still running the show.

I was starting to worry that "eat food, stuff you like, as much as you want" wasn't for people like me. That I was deluding myself that HAES applies to someone as far out on the 'fat' end of the bell curve as I am. But luckily for me, I have a whole heap of awesome people in my life who are generous with their time and willing to talk me off the cliff.

Talking with them, I was reminded that The Fat Nutritionist is talking to me, that HAES does apply... but when your (my) relationship with food is so broken, you may have to take some time and energy to break down what "stuff you like" and "as much as you want" really mean. (Spoiler alert: they do not mean "mostly stuff you were deprived of as a restrictive eater/dieter/child whose eating was controlled by others" and "as much as it takes to make you so full it hurts but at least you're not scared of ever being hungry again.") Edit: Oh, wait. Michelle totally calls that out here. Oh well... I got there eventually.

I was reminded to dust off my toolkit and pull out tools I have forgotten to use for a while (such as the fabulous Deb Burgard's "Every Body Part Gets a Vote"). I was reminded that it's OK to make choices that are conventionally deemed "healthy" and that making said choices doesn't make me a tool of the Dieting Industrial Complex. Yup, even if choices that may make my body healthier resemble choices one might make under the tutelage of a mother who wants desperately to protect her child from a life of fatness.

I was reminded it's OK to have full-fat dressing when I want it, but that it's also OK to dig deep and realize what I really want is a light sprinkle of oil and vinegar (hey, it could happen!) AND, more importantly, it's OK to have a salad because it tastes great and is full of yummy veggies and fiber, and go ahead and have cheese and eggs on it too because I'm NOT trying to eat low-cal or low-fat per se, just trying to have a nicer life and that means fueling my body well.

Wednesday, June 11, 2014

When a car isn't just a car

So a month ago I was rear-ended and my car was totaled. Luckily I am physically fine. A little sore at first but my chiropractor did a great job getting me back on track. Unfortunately, the car search has been incredibly painful as I struggle to find a car that will accommodate my fat body. I have been having dark thoughts about capitulating to mainstream medicine and looking to weight loss diets/surgery/etc.

This week, we got connected with an accessibility place that does van conversions. Not only do they have a minivan that accommodates my fat body in the driver's seat, but I'll be able to load my mobility scooter all by myself without struggle, and have a level of freedom and independence I haven't had for a couple of years!

The downside: the placement of the pedals requires my leg to be straight out from my hip, rather than lolling to the side like it usually does because of my big belly. The muscles in my inner thigh have to work pretty hard to keep my leg in this position, and after a longish (20 min?) test drive I was in a good deal of pain. Everything else about this van is better than any of the other vehicles we've tried, and after much talk and brainstorming we concluded that no other vehicle is likely to be able to fix this problem, nor is there an aftermarket modification that can be done to fix it.

Luckily, I have my resources. I consulted with dear Cinder Ernst the amazing exercise coach, and she thinks exercise can strengthen this muscle group to make the pain less over time. Friend Carole talked up the benefits of the increased independence and freedom this van will give me, and encouraged me to have faith that I can do the strengthening piece.

I go sign paperwork tonight. I'm gonna have a new minivan!

Still struggling to own this disability identity and not feel like I should "just eat less and exercise more" and undo my disability. That sh*t doesn't work - I know the research shows it - and yet the pressure is everywhere!

Trying really hard to turn away those dark weight-loss-focused thoughts and remember that my job is to eat food, stuff I like, as much as I want, and to take small steps with exercise.

So hard! When I hit a major bump in the road like this, especially one that centers around my body size, it is SO HARD to stay on target.