Fat Activism Conference 2015

Registration is live for the Fat Activism Conference 2015 -- at which I will be a presenter!! I am super excited and REALLY nervous, and hope that bunches of you will come along for the ride.

I think you'll love the diverse, interesting, passionate group of speakers AND the ability to listen and join in from the comfort of your own favorite comfy chair, or listen to the recordings at a time that works for you even if you're busy that weekend!

We speakers have all been invited to earn a portion of your registration price if you use our affiliate link to register. Although I would do this for free, I think it makes a huge statement that this conference does not expect that, and pays all speakers via profit share.

Here's the registration link, and from there you can click to view the conference webpage and read all the details.

http://affiliate.realbigpublishing.com/registration-fat-activism-conference/?ap_id=aevans429

Fat Poz Zone

Howdy folks,

Just a friendly reminder that this is a fat-positive zone. Or - if you can't quite manage that - at the very least, a weight-neutral zone. No discussion of intentional weight loss is welcome here, even if "you're just concerned about my health." That's called Concern Trolling (1) and it's not welcome here.

But how can you support me, if you can't tell me to lose weight, or share your inspiring story of how you lost half your body weight and have kept it off for 10 years and will sleep better at night knowing you've done everything you can to avoid the cancer that killed your mother? Read on, friend... read on.

A) Encourage me in my efforts at adopting weight-neutral, HAES(r)-based strategies for managing and improving my health and encourage me in those BEHAVIORS rather than in some perceived or "should" weight-loss goal.

• Studies abound which show that the positive health outcomes commonly attributed to weight loss will be achieved regardless of weight loss, if the healthy behaviors (movement, nutritious eating, etc) are adopted. (2)
• Studies also show that when weight loss is the motivating factor to exercise/eat healthfully, motivation tapers and the behaviors are abandoned when weight loss is not achieved or plateaus. On the other hand, when "feeling better" is the goal, incremental improvements provide positive reinforcement on an ongoing basis. 

B)  Even if it seems like weight loss might be the only way to improve how I feel, or if you cannot bring yourself to believe that my weight is not a causal factor in how I feel, resist the urge to suggest weight loss. Long-term, sustainable weight loss is just not possible for the vast majority of people.(3)

• The reality that doctors and diet programs fail to acknowledge is that somewhere around 95% of weight-loss diets fail. So by having weight loss as a goal, I'm very likely to be setting myself up for failure. 
• Still believe that I should be striving to be part of that 5%? Fine. Keep it to yourself, and see Point 1 -- you can encourage all the healthy behaviors you think I should be doing, and you are welcome to think to yourself that they'll lead to weight loss if that helps you support me. (Though hopefully you'll go out and read the research for yourself so you can continue to support me even when I don't "succeed" at becoming thin.) 

C)  For me personally, the suggestion that I need to lose weight is particularly harmful due to my medical history.

• If you really care about me, you will resist the urge to suggest weight loss for the simple and very personal reason that I have a history of eating disorder and the suggestion of weight loss from people I care about is very likely to bring on a relapse. I am tired of throwing up, depression, anxiety, etc. Seriously tired.

Footnotes: 
(1) On Concern Trolls: 
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/dont-cry-for-me-well-meaning-concern-troll/
http://fatheffalump.wordpress.com/2012/01/04/genuine-concern-vs-concern-trolling/

(2) On positive health outcomes independent of weight loss:
http://thinkmuscle.com/health/obesity-health-metabolic-fitness/
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/why-health-at-every-size/

(3) On long-term, sustainable weight loss being highly unlikely for the vast majority of people:
http://thinkmuscle.com/health/obesity-health-metabolic-fitness/
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/04/21/for-fat-patients-and-their-doctors/
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/06/12/do-diets-fail-or-do-dieters-fail/

Appreciation and privilege

I just want to say that although I've largely stayed quietly on the sidelines through the various discussions I've seen lately in various corners of my fat activism world about race, discrimination, and privilege, I've appreciated them.

I appreciate the work of activists of color who are enduring silently the racism within our movement; I know I cannot understand fully how hurtful it is, but I do feel sad about the hurt you endure. And I appreciate your willingness to hang in there in the face of ignorance and spite and other negative stuff.

I appreciate the voices of activists of color who are willing to speak their concerns about racism they feel, and face, and endure. I know you often get negativity back when you share your criticisms and concerns, and I feel so disappointed and angry when that happens. I appreciate that you share them anyway. 

I appreciate the humility and grace of those who possess white privilege and are willing to be on a journey of dialogue and learning about what that means and how to best be a Fat Lib voice for justice, liberation, and positivity for ALL the members of our Fat Lib community and fat people everywhere.

I aspire, and strive, to be one of the latter. I know I'll fail sometimes, which makes it hard for me to speak up at all. And I recognize that not speaking up at all can, in itself, be a failure to be the activist I want to be. So I thank the folks who are willing to take the time, the energy, the patience to educate, or point towards education, or in any other way help those of us who are white, who do have privilege, and who want to understand it and try never to abuse it. Thank you for doing the work you do, so that I and others in my situation can take steps on the journey of an inclusive Fat Lib movement with less fear of making a hurtful misstep.

31 Days of New Year's REVolution Challenges

I'm posting the 31 Days of REVolution because life has gotten hectic and I don't want people to go without if I have another conflict and miss a day like I did Friday and Saturday (bad Amanda! I feel so bad for letting people down...).  If you don't know what I'm talking about, go to the FB Event page (see link below!).

31 Days of REVolution Challenges

Join us in 31 HAES / New Year's REVolution Challenges for the month of January. Join the FB Event (http://www.facebook.com/event.php?eid=190278547652738) to keep up the excitement and stay informed on new developments!

1. 1/1/2011 -- New Year’s REVolution kickoff day!
2. Dance to the music you love best today!
3. Count clouds instead of calories today!
4. Tell someone they look beautiful or handsome today!
5. Take the first step towards finding a fat-friendly physician today! (You could start with the Fat Friendly Health Professionals list at http://www.cat-and-dragon.com/stef/fat/ffp.html).
6. Today, think of one positive/loving thing about a part of your body which you usually dislike and/or ignore!  (For extra credit, I’ll share this insight with someone you can trust to appreciate it, or journal about it.)
7. Move for the joy of it today!
8. Let go of ideas about “good” and “bad” foods today, and simply eat what your body craves!
9. Have a spa day today! Either go to a day spa to be pampered or make your own day spa at home with manicure, pedicure, hot bath, facial, etc.
10. Stand and sit tall today! Hold your head high and show the world beautiful posture.
11. Read a HAES-positive article today, such as Dr. Jon Robison's article, "10 Things You Can Do Right Now To Ease Concerns About Your Weight And Improve Your Health" (http://www.welcoa.org/freeresources/pdf/10thingsyoucandorightnow.pdf).
12. Today, try out a movement or exercise activity you haven’t done in a while!
13. Have yourself over for dinner today! Make some wonderful food, light candles, put on a dressy outfit and some relaxing music, and really savor every bite.
14. Put on some fabulous new shoes today (even if you’re just trying them on in the store)!
15. Today, spend a few minutes alone, in front of a mirror, look yourself in the eyes, and notice the thoughts that pass through your mind. (For extra credit, speak an affirmation such as “I accept myself just as I am,” or “I am beautiful, good, and worthy” to your image!)
16. Visit a fat acceptance, fat fashion, or body positive blog today!  (Find links to dozens of fabulous, fat-positive blogs on the 2011 New Year’s Revolution Resources page at http://2011revolutions.blogspot.com/).
17. Enjoy a meal with someone you care about today!
18. Find a few minutes to play today!
19. Today, weigh the merits of foods not only by how nutritious they are, but also how delicious!
20. Pick up the phone today and make that medical or self-care appointment you keep meaning to schedule!
21. Wear something that makes you feel sexy and delicious today!   
22. Enjoy what you eat and eat what you enjoy today!
23. Go for a walk or a hike and enjoy nature today!
24. Go through your closet today, and get rid of everything that doesn't fit or doesn’t make you feel good when you wear it!
25. Today, give loving attention to a part of your body which you rarely pamper!
26. Borrow or buy a fat-positive book today! (Find tons of fabulous book suggestions, both fiction and non-fiction, at the 2011 New Year’s Revolution Resources page: http://2011revolutions.blogspot.com/).
27. Tune in to what your body feels like before, during, and after you move it today!
28. Eat a nutritious and satisfying breakfast today!
29. Write down five things you appreciate about your body today!
30. Hug somebody today!
31. Spend time today thinking or writing about how to continue your New Year’s Revolution through the rest of the year 2011!

Vive la REVOLUTION!

Well, I'm back. I was gone a little longer than the month of November, and I don't even have 50,000 NaNo words to show for it. I have no excuse other than life/I got busy/lost momentum/etc. - which is really no excuse at all!

But then again, I have been working hard at the New Year's Revolution. It started back in early December.... Marilyn Wann proposed that we (the Fat Studies List/the HAES and Fat Poz community(ies)) work to create a movement that would go viral on social media to spread the message of New Year's REVOLUTION rather than resolutions - love your body, don't buy in to January pressures to diet/self-hate, and so forth.

So throughout December, I was hot and heavily involved with brainstorming with the fabulous folks of the Fat Studies List on exactly what and how we should do for this awesome FB/social media event. I gathered lists of resources, blogs, books, and daily HAES challenges and compiled them, and other folks created images, took my list and turned it into a fabulous webpage (see http://2011revolutions.blogspot.com/), blogged and Tumblr'd and Tweeted out the wazoo, and so forth. It's been quite an affair, and I'm extremely proud of my role in the whole shebang, and flattered and humbled by the amazing group of people I have the privilege to work with. I mean, who'd'a thunk I'd count such luminaries as Marilyn Wann, Deb Burgard, Marianne Kirby, and so many others as friends and colleagues?? Holy cow, it's so darn cool!!

Seriously... a ton of great people (well, several tons, probably - we're rad fatties after all!) have contributed to this event, and we're already starting to think about how to carry the banner on into February and beyond.

Visit the website (again, it's http://2011revolutions.blogspot.com/), join the FB Event, (http://www.facebook.com/?sk=events#!/event.php?eid=190278547652738), and keep watching this space to join in the fun!!

Wow, this Marie Claire thing...

Ok, so by now you've prolly heard about the Marie Claire thing. If you haven't, I'm sure you can Google "marie claire fatties" and learn more than you ever wanted to know. Other fatosphere bloggers have already posted tons about it, so I won't rehash. But that's the context if you need it for what comes next...

One cool thing that came out of the MC thing is that someone I've never connected with about Fat Acceptance/HAES posted about it on FB, with a link to a blog railing against the MC article. So I commented on the post:

I invite you to blame the horrible author instead of blaming yourself/your body. I am part of the Health at Every Size and Fat Acceptance movements and I would love for all my beautiful friends to love themselves just as they are. ...

If you ever are interested in books or blogs or other resources to learn more about these movements I would love to share them.

She posted back that she thanked me, that she had a long way to go on self-acceptance, and that while she hated what the original article writer had to say, said writer had a right to her opinion.  I replied:

She may be entitled to her opinion, but that doesn't make it ok. Just think if someone had written an article about how disgusting they find it when gay people, or Asian people, or disabled people kiss. We'd be absolutely morally outraged. Why is fat different? (I would argue it shouldn't be!)

And very soon after, I received this letter by FB Message (NOT on the comment string, but to me alone):

Hi!

I just wanted to comment and didn't want to seem like I was starting a flame war or anything...

I would argue that being fat is different. I do not agree with Ms. Kelly's sentiment at all, please believe this. But I do, as an overweight person, feel that being fat is different from being different ethnically or sexually, I know, cause I'm Hispanic, too. All I need is to be gay and I would hit the social outcast trifecta!

I am not at all saying we actively make this choice (though, arguably, there are those who do). There are a myriad of issues at hand. Things that we, as individuals have to work through. Things we, as individuals, have to take accountability for. Is it easy? Not at all. That's why it's called work when we seek a healthier life style. But, in my opinion, to compare our fat-ness to say, our ethnic-ness is not a just comparison. At the end of the day, I can diet, but cannot change the color of my skin....

Please don't think me insensitive, because I know well the trials of being overweight in an overly skinny centric culture. What Ms. Kelly wrote was simply wrong, and completely unfair. And made worse by her admission of having been anorexic in her apology.

It is horrible and dichotomous, this society we live in....we make each other feel bad for how we look, yet try to convince ourselves it doesn't matter.

I think people in general are beautiful in and of themselves...regardless of what they look like.

I hope this made some sort of sense....

And again, I'm not looking for a fight, just offering perspective...

I hope you are having a great day.

cheers,
name

I felt weird about getting this message privately/individually. It was from someone I've seen around, but don't know personally. If he feels strongly about this matter, he should post it in reply to mine so that I could then refute it openly. What's the point of sending just to me, unless he's either a) afraid to look mean/afraid more people will agree with me (gawd, I wish!) or b) ambiguous about his feelings on some level, and subconsciously hoping I'll say something that will allow him to accept his own fatness. Now, my knee-jerk reaction was to say, "yes you're insensitive. And weird and a jerk for sending this privately. Never contact me again." Seriously, I typed that. But then I deleted it, took a deep breath, and after some false starts, sent this:

I don't think you're particularly insensitive, however I do think you are (as most Americans are) uneducated on the failure rate of diets. You have bought into the prevailing misconception that we do, in fact, have control over the size of our bodies. And that biodiversity in body shape and size is "different" than other kinds of diversity. Not too long ago, homosexuality was considered completely controllable and an illness, and prior to that, doctors prescribed skin lighteners to enable African Americans to pass as white. These things were seen at the time as controllable, but more education has shown they are in fact genetic and part of human diversity.

I don't want a fight either but I do invite you to get educated on the Health at Every Size movement and the absolutely abysmal success percentages of each and every supposed "diet" or "lifestyle change" out there. Once we acknowledge that the promise of safe and effective long-term weight loss is a false promise and a myth, it is a much shorter step to accepting the diversity of bodies in human society and ending blame and shame. 

Now, if he writes back with more fat hate, he gets blocked. I don't have enough Sanity Points to deal with that any further. But maybe, just maybe, he'll do some reading.

And that, my friends, is my Activism Deed of the Day. I couldn't stand to stay hidden in the closet of FB Private Message Land. So I am sharing it with you.

EDIT: His response, received within minutes of my message, after the jump. I will _not_ be responding. I've spent enough spoons on him. On a positive note, I got a chuckle from the amusing image of people "loosing" weight. "I will loose my weight upon the world..." watch out - it's like a tiger "loosed" from the cage!

Keep your assumptions off my body

So over the past 24 hours, I've had a catastrophically yucky initial meeting with my (potential, violently rejected) new primary care physician, followed by (admittedly mild, but I'm sensitive to this sort of thing) Facebook drama. I posted on Facebook shortly after I left the office, because I was upset and distressed by the horrific 5 minutes I'd spent with the doctor. Unfortunately, in addition to several supportive comments, one friend (whose partner is a WLS "success story") posted a finger-wagging comment basically scolding me for overreacting, saying that it was probably appropriate for the doc to act as she did. Then, some other rad fatties and allies posted vehemently anti-WLS comments. Which felt good to read, but they in turn prompted the pro-WLS friend to spring to the defense of WLS. All of this in comments that started to feel like a flame war on my FB. It was to the point by this morning where each FB notification was making me feel sick, because I dreaded what it was going to be...

Finally, I decided to respond. But I'd been doing so much thinking that it became far more blog-length than comment-length. So I'm posting it here instead. I'm sure some rad fatties and anti-WLS people will think my position is not strong enough. While on the other hand, my friends and acquaintances who have positive ideas about WLS will probably feel I'm being unreasonable in my resistance. I can't please you all. I can only try to think this through and navigate it the best I can. I am torn, caught in the middle between the hordes and masses of society who think my body is an abomination, a disease to be "cured" by any means necessary, and by the small, quiet voices of fat acceptance and HAES and the tentative reaching instincts of my own body and soul, which tell me that fat is part of my biology and my identity and it's the world that needs to change, to stop treating me badly and seeing me as a problem and an intrusion.

There's so much to respond to in what everyone said on my FB. I agree with the strong negative feelings that many of you have about these surgeries. On the other hand, I understand where my friend who said the distressing stuff was coming from (even though the way he said it really hurt!). I know several "success stories" for whom the surgery was really wonderful and they are feeling great / much improved / it was all worth it / etc. Which only serves to confuse me because I feel even more pressure to accept the pressure of medical professionals. However, I simply must stick to my own gut feeling/intuition/confidence that this is NOT the right path for me - at least right now. I won't say never, cause who knows?

What truly pisses me off about this doc is that, as I said in my initial FB status post, she had met me LITERALLY 5 minutes before stating that bariatric surgery was really my only option. She had not had me fill out any new patient paperwork. It's almost certain that had not reviewed my medical record extensively, if at all, given how overworked clinicians are these days and the fact that I had not scheduled a full physical, just a 15 minute appt. When she walked in, she asked, "What can I do for you today?" I stated that I am looking for a new primary care physician, and she repeated, "But what do you want today," or something. She didn't ask me any questions or move to initiate the getting-to-know-you conversation I was hoping for. So I said that I am looking for a team captain, that I see a variety of specialists for different concerns, including a naturopath, chiropractor, psychologist, occasionally podiatrist. I went on to express that I was seeing her because I am looking for a new primary care doc who will NOT insist on constantly recommending HMR (my medical group's in-house version of Weight Watchers) or bariatric surgery, as those recommendations aggravate my eating disorder and depression. I explained that I believe in focusing on changing behaviors, not focusing on weight (working my way into explaining HAES). But before I could elaborate, she said that that was just it, we can't change behaviors, and that for someone in my "category" the only viable option is bariatric surgery.

Really? You don't want to hear more about the eating disorder I just mentioned? But of course fat women don't have eating disorders, do they? If you have an eating disorder, it makes you skinny. After all, the same thing we diagnose as an eating disorder if you're below a certain weight (severely limiting calories, obsessively planning meals and reading nutrition labels, working out to excess, etc.), we prescribe to fat people, don't we! You don't want to know if I exercise or not, or what I eat, before making such a sweeping statement? But of course not; you know exactly how I eat (poorly) and whether I exercise (obviously not even a little) from looking at me, right? It may be - it probably is true - that I will never eat or exercise "perfectly."  But you don't even ask the questions??? It was blatantly clear that this woman thought she knew everything relevant about me just by looking me up and down. And so I told her, "ok, well that's what I needed to know. We're done here." She protested, "But don't you want a flu shot or a whooping cough booster?" "No, I don't want anything from you." Not exactly the ringing, persuasive speech I might craft if I were a character in my own movie... but I didn't cry. I didn't give her that. At least, not til I got to my car.

I have done a lot of thinking on this in the last 24 hours and I've come to believe that my feelings on WLS and abortion are somewhat parallel. In both cases, I believe that everyone has the right to choose to go through that procedure, but it is emotionally complex and has long-lasting physical and emotional consequences and should not be taken up lightly. In both cases I would not personally choose that procedure but respect others' right to make their own personal decisions about what is best for their bodies and their lives. And just as I would be offended by a doctor who recommended abortion just because I was visibly pregnant and single, I am offended by a doc who recommends bariatric surgery just because I'm fat.

Pro-choice folks have the slogan, "Keep your laws off my body." While there is no law that one must have bariatric surgery (though it's getting scarier and scarier in terms of de facto weight loss requirements embedded in ability/non ability to access health care in this country), there is a TON of pressure out there, especially for folks like me who are in the very far right (not politics, math - on a graph, bigger numbers are to the right!) portion of the weight bell curve. So it may not be as catchy, but I say it with gusto:

KEEP YOUR ASSUMPTIONS OFF MY BODY. Yes, I mean you, Dr. And you, well-meaning friend. My body is mine. In this day when fatness increasingly IS a choice (if you believe bariatric surgery is a viable option, which so many seem to), it becomes increasingly difficult to stand up and say, "I am fat. I don't believe thinness is a choice for me. So I am going to live in this fat body" without getting some pretty forceful push-back.

Ok, now I have all sorts of interesting thoughts percolating about how just when we thought people might accept that diets don't work, and therefore fatness really is biological and not a "choice"... in walks bariatric surgery, and in just a few short years goes from experimental to frighteningly mainstream. Coincidence?

But that's a subject for another day... This post is already exceedingly long. Kudos and thanks, if you're reading this. You've made it to the END OF THE POST. Leave me a (positive, no meanies allowed!) comment and you get a gold star. :)

September 1

I can't believe it's September First and I still haven't written about my first NAAFA Convention. Was it really nearly a month ago??

One cool thing - out of many - that came out of attending the Con is that I'll be contributing to the monthly NAAFA newsletter now and then... beginning with the October issue, in which I've been invited to share my experience "coming out as fat" at work as I talked with coworkers about why I was taking vacation (to go to NAAFA Con), and where I was going/what I'd be doing.

It's super busy right now - has been ever since I returned! - with the beginning of the school year, so I once again don't have time to write the full, luscious NAAFA Con recap I do still hope plan to write. I'm sending myself an email right now... to remind me to do this.

Talk to you soon!

May 6 is International No Diet Day

May 6 is International No Diet Day! Happy INDD! :)

From Wikipedia:
"The International No Diet Day (INDD) is an annual celebration of body acceptance and body shape diversity. This day is also dedicated to raise awareness of the dangers in diets.

"There are several goals to the INDD:

• Doubt the idea of one "right" body shape.
• Raise awareness to weight discrimination, size bias and fatphobia.
• Declare a free day from diets and obsessions to body weight.
• Present the facts about the diet industry, emphasizing the inefficacy of commercial diets.
• Show how diets perpetuate violence against women.
• Honor the victims of eating disorders and weight-loss surgeries."

(http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/International_No_Diet_Day)

What a fabulous holiday!! I think I'll try to figure out some way to celebrate it this evening. Maybe mindfully eating a really good meal, or walking a little bit (not so much it hurts, but mindfully/joyfully moving my body...)?

Victory: Sharing HAES and FA

There hasn't been too terribly much HAES/FA/fat-related stuff in my life lately. But I did have a really cool conversation with a colleague after work last night. Basically I talked all about intuitive eating and HAES and whatnot and she was all interested and into it. I like her, and I hate hearing her feeling bad about herself or think she needs to diet/buy into Kaiser's "Weight Management" (where they try to sell her on it being not a diet, but it is)/etc because people (family, docs, etc.) tell her she needs to diet and lose weight.

She is open to looking at books and resources. As soon as I find which box they're in, I'll bring her some!

Link of the day

I highly recommend this AWESOME, empowering article by Paul Campos and Marilyn Wann (What a pairing; FA royalty if anyone is!)

Below is an excerpt of my favorite few paragraphs; read the rest at the link that follows.

Fatties, it's time to fight back: If you're judged obese, you're a second-class citizen at best

BY Paul Campos AND Marilyn Wann

... We recognize that the stakes are high. Fatter people are less likely to be hired, are paid less, are less welcome as college applicants, are denied medical treatments, are likely to be charged double when we fly on airplanes, are unwelcome as customers seeking to buy clothes and are discriminated against constantly in countless ways. If you're judged fat, you're a second-class citizen at best, untouchable - even less than human.

That's wrong. Very wrong.

So, it's time to fight the good fight against clueless bullies. If you can't be at home in your own body, where exactly are you supposed to go? Sure, eat right and exercise. That's what both of us do. It's good for us, and it feels good. But guess what - one of us is still thin and the other is still fat.

And that's only natural. The idea that Kevin Smith would be as waif-like as Keira Knightley if they both had the same lifestyle is nonsense. But it's the kind of nonsense that our government feeds us every day, when it claims that, according to a bunch of definitions it made up out of thin air, everyone can and should be a certain size.

So be a rebel. Draw a line that's guaranteed to do you (and people of all sizes) some good. Draw a line against weight bullying. And defend it. Eat what you want and where you want. And fly only the airlines that treat you properly.

Read more: http://www.nydailynews.com/opinions/2010/03/08/2010-03-08_fatties_its_time_to_fight_back.html#ixzz0hbd4zxFf

Meme Roth cut down to size

Well... her credentials, at any rate. She, herself, is actually small enough!

See this article for a full breakdown of Meme's non-awesomeness. How did she get famous as an "expert"? Well, basically, she's a publicist and knows how to create someone out of no one with the right strategic moves. It's genius... evil genius, but I _almost_ admire her for it - for her sheer audacity in setting herself up in the way she has, to achieve the limelight she so clearly craves. But I digress...

There is a valid point to be made that NONE of the four panelists on the Nightline Faceoff program were "experts" - and I did notice that Nightline called them "opinionated people" or something, not experts. But Meme herself claims to be an expert, touting her sham organization and her pseudo-credentials and the vids of herself running and contorting herself in the park in her fancy workout clothes, all blonde and thin and privileged. You don't see Marianne Kirby writing press releases quoting herself, or claiming to be an expert on anything other than living her own life, being a proud fat person doing what it takes to survive in our culture. And by the way, Marianne Kirby is an _actual_ author - like, with an actual book to her name.

Knee diagnosis

So today I saw a new orthopedist, Dr. S, for my continuing saga of knee pain. I know that with any type of joint stuff I'm always running a higher risk of being told it's all my fault cause I'm deathfatz, and I also had found out this particular guy's specialty is sports medicine, so I went in armed. I brought a printout of Dr. Jon Robison's excellent "10 Things People Can Do Right Now To Ease Their Concerns About Their Weight and Improve Their Health." When he walked in and greeted me, I offered him the packet and told him I wanted to share with him the approach I take to weight and health and that I don't want to hear about weight loss. He was taken aback, and said, "Wow... opening with a shot across the bow!" Oh great, I think. Clearly not too receptive. But I forged on. I told him how we know that only 5% of people who lose weight keep it off over 5 years, and that being told to lose weight makes my depression spike so I really just can't have it. He was like, "OK." Didn't seem excited but didn't insist that it is his moral duty to tell me to lose weight either. Better than nothing...

So of course the concern I had with having opened that way was that he'd assume I changed away from the previous orthopedist because of weight loss talk - which actually is _not_ the reason, in this case. I didn't like the other guy because he wanted to blithely prescribe medications without ever examining my knee, and when I asked him why he recommended a given course of treatment he couldn't/wouldn't explain his thinking. So best I can tell I wasn't mistreated cause I am fat, per se, he's just a crappy doctor. Luckily, the new guy starts asking me about my history and I tell him I was sent for an MRI and he's looking at my chart at the same time and he says, "Did you want to see Dr. M?" And I say, "NO," very firmly. He looks surprised so I give him the summary of my last visit to Dr. M, ending with, "And I just really need someone who can explain the decision process and give me all the information about what's going on with my body." And he seemed to take that to heart - he was very thorough and informative throughout the visit.

I was really proud of myself for advocating for myself throughout the visit. Not only did I throw out the ground rules about health focus not weight focus, but I told him what I want in a doctor in terms of being thorough and informative, AND I continued to push for explanations, information, why this and not this treatment, what can I do to get better, and of course the old standby, "If I were an average-sized person, is there anything that you would be telling me that's different, or any other treatment paths we'd be exploring?" In this case, he said no. I don't always believe them when they say that, but at least I've asked - both for myself and to hopefully plant the seed in their thought process in general. I'll never know if one of the docs I've asked this question of may think back and see, "my gosh - I really did think differently about that patient because of her body size! Shame on me!" It's a fantasy, but it could happen... and I'll never know if it does. I have faith that things we say can have lasting effects because I've seen it as a teacher and with other teachers I've known. It's often the kid you least expect who is the one who comes back years later and say you changed his/her life. You just never know at the time. And for every kid who comes back, there are probably a few others you'll never know about at all... it's a good reminder because you don't have to wait to see your impact directly in order to feel that continually trying and putting your stuff out there in the world is worth doing.

EDIT: I forgot to share the actual diagnosis, which I probably should since that's the headline...

So my left knee, the one I fell on back in July of 2009 and which continues to be tender and have numbness spread down the leg, should get better. The fall most likely damaged a nerve which wraps around the kneecap and down through the area that's numb. When I fell on that edge of pavement across my kneecap it crushed that nerve and that's the cause of the numbness and tenderness. There's also some arthritis inside the knee, but that's separate. The fallout from the fall should heal with time. Or it may not, as nerves are fussy. But it's not anything that needs surgery or further action - just time.

The right knee is a different story. It's been hurting since I did a major organizing/cleaning/dejunking project the week after Christmas. Due to favoring the left knee, I overused the right and irritated it, and it has been acutely painful on and off (mostly on) since. My primary care doc, Dr. H, diagnosed bursitis on the inside face of the knee, but that didn't explain the pain inside the joint or behind the knee or in the muscles above and around the knee. Dr. S examined the knee briefly and said he didn't think it was bursitis. He said that he thought it was much more likely arthritis. I was a little unsure about this since he came to the conclusion so quickly. It seemed like he might have decided it based on my body size more than anything else. But the fact that there's pain inside the joint not just outside, there are signs of arthritis in the other knee that he had shown me on the MRI, Dr. H has mentioned that I have the beginnings of arthritis in the other knee before, too, etc. made me willing to accept it. He explained that bursitis is much less common than arthritis, and invoked that thing about if you see hoofprints you should look for the horse before the zebra. He said there's an easy way to check his theory: he could give me a cortisone shot and see if it helps. I asked, don't you only get three of those in any one body part in your life? and he said it's not a hard rule, more just that after 2-3 they will stop working. I was reluctant to use up one of my 3 when I'm so young, since this is going to be a lifelong problem, and he seemed to agree.

He sent me for x-rays to see how bad the arthritis is. According to the x-ray it's only mild... I just can't *wait* to feel how bad it's going to hurt when it gets worse, since it's already pretty bad now. According to him, there's nothing you can do preventatively for arthritis, it's just part of your genetic makeup. Of course, he said, (and here's the one weight-phobic comment he made), "You're making it worse by not..." and I nodded like, "I get it, let's not have the weight loss talk." But apparently my acknowledgment was too cursory, because he reiterated, "significantly worse" and I'm like, "OK - but there's no particular diet or exercise regimen that is specifically shown to alleviate arthritis?" And he says no diet is better than any other. And then I realize of course that I said the magic word and he's thinking I am willing to weight-loss Diet, when what I meant was to ask about adding things nutritionally to my diet-as-in-the-foods-I-eat. Le sigh.

So in summary: arthritis in both knees, plus slowly-healing contusion with nerve damage in the left knee. And the arthritis is a life sentence and there's nothing I can do about it. Good grief, such an uplifting appointment. I've gotta talk to Dr. L the naturopath and Dr. D the Chinese sports medicine doc to get a less-bleak prognosis.

Is it OK to be Fat?

Ugh... Just tried to watch the Nightline debate "Is it OK to be fat?" (HERE) but I clicked on the "behind the scenes" vid (HERE) instead - which I enjoyed despite Meme. The part about her was a little distressing but bearable - nothing I haven't heard before, and I was riding on the high of seeing ultra-cool Marianne Kirby on TV!! But when I went to the full "debate" (deliberately in quotes since in a real debate a lot of things would be handled differently - like an unbiased moderator, for one!) I just couldn't get through Meme's first chance to talk. I had already used up my sanity points on that first 5-minute vid. "Untold cost in human suffering...?" Really? Cause unless she's talking about the suffering she feels when she has to look at me - which, btw, is not my problem, I don't know what she's talking about.

Well... unless you count the suffering from prejudice and discrimination against fat. But I think we know she's not talking about that.

You know how Meme talks so faux-caringly about the pain and sickness she feels inside when she sees an "obese" child? I feel that same pain and sickness when she calls me a financial burden, says that my fat is "ravaging the human body" etc. Pisses me off, but I'll admit it hurts, too.

But you know... the little, itty bitty part of me that is not sick and mad every word that exits her mouth... is sad for her because this culture has taught her so thoroughly that thin is good that she thinks she's the Messiah when she's actually just got an eating disorder. I wish she could get treatment, for her own sake.

... and so I wouldn't have to hear her verbally beat me up any more!!

"Fight the Fatness"... *growl*

Well, I'm not sure if I did harm or good this morning...

My local radio station, Mix 106.5, has a morning show I listen to in the mornings. (Wake up to as my alarm, to be precise.) The hosts are Bill and Marla, and as a little backstory Bill himself is self-identified as "overweight." A couple of years ago, he made a weight comment that turned me off to their show for a while (don't remember the specifics). But now I'm back. Was back.

So this morning, I woke up to Bill and Marla presenting a news story about how Disneyland is closing It's a Small World for a year to dig the trenches deeper because the boats have been bottoming out as people get heavier. Bill made the comment, "I'm sorry, but if you're 400 pounds I don't want you in my boat." It just sat in my gut and churned there for a few minutes and I knew I was going to have to give up my favorite morning show again. But this time I wasn't giving it up without a fight. I called them. It went something like this, not that I can remember exactly:

Marla: Hi, who's this?
Me: Amanda. I actually wanted to talk to Billy about something he said, but it can be off the air. He kind of offended me and I wanted to smack him around a little.
M: Ooh, can I watch?
Billy: It doesn't have to be off the air, we can do it right here.
Me: Ok, well I just wanted to say that I'm actually over 400 pounds, and how come you don't want me in your boat?
B: Because they're bottoming out!
M: Have you been on It's a Small World?
Me: Yes, many times.
M: And have you had any problems?
Me: No, never.
--then he responds and I don't remember exactly the interplay here--
B: What about height?
M: I think that's a safety issue.
B: But weight is obviously a safety issue, too.
Me: Then they should build the rides better. Look, If I've paid my $100 to get into Disneyland I ought to be able to go on every damn ride in the park.
B: What about little people? What if they want to go on the rides?
Me: I don't know. I don't really have a good answer for that. But here's the thing: this is not the first time that thoughtless weight comments have come out of your mouth, Billy.
M: [something encouraging]
B: Well I do call myself a "chubby chaser." [I've never heard him say this...]
Me: Whatever... that's not the worst thing in the world.
B: [I think here is where he talked about how people - "maybe not you, please don't be offended here" - are walking around waiting to be offended, with a chip on their shoulder, etc....]
B: [Talks about how he really is an overweight person and he understands how hard it is.]
Me: You know, there's this thing called internalized oppression, where people who are members of a minority group think that it's OK to talk about that group because they understand how hard it is. [Yes, I know that's not really the real definition of internalized oppression. I didn't mean to mangle it, honest! I may have said it a little better than this, I hope, but I admit not much better - I had literally woken up 5 minutes ago at this point!!]
M: Is that like homophobia, where the biggest homophobes are really the biggest gay people?
Me: Um, sort of like that, I guess.
B: So now I'm fat AND gay?!
M and Me: [various forms of "no"]
Me: The thing is, fatness is the last bastion of acceptable discrimination and we have to fight it.
M: Yeah, fight the fat!
B: Hey, I'm fat, now I'm offended, she's offending me.... [something like that]
Me: [Breaking in] No, no, I said fight the discrimination! Fight the discrimination! Y'all are twisting my words.
B: [To Marla] Now you're offending. She's gonna have to smack you around.
M: [trying to wrap up, thanks me or something]
Me: You two have a good morning. [hangs up and sits back, cringing, to see what they make of me on the public airwaves...]

Two minutes later, or so, I was treated to hearing the whole conversation again as it was actually broadcast... Which is the only reason my memory is even remotely complete -- I was on the air for at least 3 minutes! That's a lot of conversation to remember accurately!

After I hung up, Billy talked to Marla about how he thinks some people out there are just walking around waiting to be offended, with a chip on their shoulders. So of course after a couple more songs three people back to back called in to soothe Billy and tell him how right he was and how wrong "that lady" was. Some agreed with him about the world being too easy to offend, others said that if I really was over 400 pounds I know I'm overweight and I shouldn't "take it out on [Billy]." One mom called in to say she took her son to Disneyland and he couldn't go on lots of rides that he wanted to go on because he wasn't tall enough, plus there are lots of rides that they recommend you not go on if you're pregnant or have heart problems. The third caller was a self-identified "very overweight" person (he mentioned 300 pounds in the conversation), who agreed with Billy that if we are choosing to be fat we should not expect the world to accommodate us, and so on. Etc. In the end, it was very easy for them to paint me into the "crazy fat-nazi"/"lazy fat person" corner and effectively make sure that not them nor any of their listeners had to do any hard thinking about oppression and discrimination.

Hence, I'm not sure if I did good or harm. But at least I spoke out.