Wednesday, December 5, 2012

The Workout Experiment: Day 10

I woke up naturally, 1 minute before my alarm clock, today! It could be that I actually went to bed before 11pm. It could be that I just happened to hit the sleep cycles just right. Or... could it be that this exercise project is already bearing fruit? Wouldn't THAT be cool... :)

Day 10: Decided to try out my commenters' suggestion of exercising in the morning before my shower. Feeling on a high from waking up naturally, I did 50 seconds before hitting the shower and getting ready for my day.

Feeling good so far... hope I don't hit an energy slump later today or anything. I'll just have to be mindful of how I'm doing throughout the day and see whether am exercise works for me.

PS - This is the first day where I'm putting two cupcake stickers right next door to each other (aka exercised 2 days in a row). I kinda thought today I was due, but it turns out not. Cool!

PPS - the word "exercise" is starting to feel less scary/yucky/OMG-anything-called-exercise-is-gonna-be-hard-painful-and-humiliating and more EMPOWERING. Again... this is all very cool! My mood is on a pretty nice high today!

Tuesday, December 4, 2012

The Workout Experiment: Days 8-9

Day 8: Luckily it was a planned rest day, as I spent much of the day at the Urgent Care clinic with my fiance, who was eventually transported to the ER and is currently still in the hospital with pancreatitis. (He will be OK... sadly this is what happens when you have severe diabetes and don't take proper care of yourself.)

Day 9: Walked in the door from visiting V at the hospital about 8:30pm, set down the crap in my arms (including my dinner), and went straight to the elliptical. Probably I should've eaten first - especially since hadn't had much in the way of breakfast or lunch either. But I knew if I didn't do it right then while I was still in "go" mode, it wouldn't happen. So... 40ish seconds on Day 9 - check.

Calendar update: I found an adorable printable calendar that's suiting my needs so far. And you can't beat the price tag: FREE. (OK, technically a few cents of paper and ink.)

I was going to use the classic gold stars, but took note of commenter Jeanette's input and decided to use the sparkliest, most exciting stickers I had on hand. And let me tell you... it makes a difference. I get excited to place the next one! (I may or may not be an office supply slash sticker addict.) Not quite sure what I'm gonna do when I run out of amazing glittery cupcake stickers... excuse to buy more stickers, I guess!

Action Shot: December 2012
Here's a link to the free printable for 2012, in case you need December. And here's 2013.

Do stickers on a calendar motivate you? If not, what does?

Sunday, December 2, 2012

Deleted Comment

I'm flattered, I think... I have enough readers that I'm now deleting my second unacceptable comment. The first was a concern troll... this one's just downright rude.

I received the following comment on my most recent post:
Anonymous December 2, 2012 12:23 PDM
Why are you taking rest days? You should be doing SOMETHING extra every day, no excuses.

If you always say you're "too tired"/"wanted a rest day" then you're not going to get anywhere.

I will be deleting the SH*T out of this comment. Do I even need to list the reasons why? The use of "should," the scolding/reprimanding tone, the phrase "you're not going to get anywhere." Um... the exercise professionals I trust have told me to start with 3 days a week. Not to mention that telling someone who's taking first tentative steps into a new and difficult lifestyle change that they're DOING IT WRONG OOGA-BOOGA is pretty much guaranteed to be unhelpful/counterproductive.


Saturday, December 1, 2012

The Workout Experiment: Days 6-7

Well here we are at the end of Week 1! I feel really positive, and very excited to keep moving forward...

I appreciate all the comments y'all have been leaving. When you tell me your story, even if I don't  take what you're doing and implement it exactly, I still learn from it - learning different ways to think about exercise, different ways to motivate myself, or what's triggering and anti-motivating for me. I am definitely a person who processes ideas best by thinking things through in conversation with others. I guess that's part of why I keep a blog and not just a private journal!

Day 6 was a rest day. I looked at calendars in the dollar aisle at Target (to implement the "don't break the chain" approach) but didn't find any exciting ones. Time to keep my eyes open for a calendar that makes me happy.

Day 7 (today) - got on the machine for about 36 seconds, but went a bit faster than other times. I can feel a pleasant burn in the front of my thighs now, a couple hours later. Nothing debilitating or painful, just a "yup, I moved my body." This is fun!

How do you know when you've hit just the right amount of exercise for your body? What does it feel like for you?

Thursday, November 29, 2012

The Workout Experiment: Day 5

So here I was, sharing my Workout Experiment journey in part to bolster my own certainty that taking it slow was the right thing to do... but my inner judgy voice was still secretly thinking 1 minute, 30 seconds on the treadmill was really not enough. Cue Cinder Ernst, fitness coach extraordinaire, who chimed in to say,
"Yay for you. 1.5 min of the elliptical is a big chunk for day 1. I suggest starting w an amount that leaves you feeling good all over, maybe 30 seconds for a few days, then 1 min for a few days etc. You will find if you use the smallest smallest smallest of steps, consistently, your body will start to lean into it."
Thank you, Universe, for all these wonderful teachers and wise women I have been able to bring into my life! Today, without even resting after bringing in groceries - because I knew if I stopped moving I'd hit they hay and not wake up til morning - I did 35 seconds on the elliptical. And it was enough. And the next time, I might do a minute-plus. And hey - the time after that, I might do 30 seconds or a minute again.

One thing I'd fallen into without even realizing it was thinking that each session had to be longer than the one before. Which, once it was brought up to the level of conscious thought, was ridiculous. Consistency is kind of ridiculous to ask of my body - especially when nothing else in my life is consistent! I will have had different days, different levels of activity, different levels of stress... Of course I would have different capacity to exercise. Thanks, Cinder - I needed that!

Edited to add: I know Cinder's point was really to start smaller, more so than the insight I ended up getting to about consistently increasing the time not being the only measure of success. But it was Cinder's point - or rather, her voice of reason saying 1.5 min was probably too much for my body - which allowed me to tune in and really think through my expectations/assumptions. So it's really two lessons here on Day 5: 1) start EVEN. SMALLER. and 2) don't expect the seconds to only increase. They're gonna move depending on how my body feels, and that's OK too. 

Wednesday, November 28, 2012

The Workout Experiment: Days 2-4

When we last left our brave heroine, she'd done 1.5 minutes on her exciting new (well, new to her) elliptical machine. There was much cheerleading and many motivational comments were made. And then you didn't hear from her for 3 days. Heh. I don't think it's realistic for me to post every day on this, so I'll do summaries whenever the mood strikes.

Day 2 (Monday) - Went to my parents' old house to pick up odds and ends of my leftover stuffs that had been buried in the attic. Physical labor up and down the stairs, and emotional labor sorting 3-4 boxes of childhood teenagehood papers and momentos. Got home late, ate dinner late, gave myself a pass on the elliptical.

Day 3 (Tuesday) - Had a 1.5-hour meeting with a wedding vendor directly after work, then to a late dinner, making it home about bedtime. Didn't end up going to bed anything like bedtime, but I was worn out from a long day nonetheless. I'm not willing to call this a fail, because I was thinking of getting on the elliptical but was literally falling asleep in my chair instead. Can't explain why, but it feels like an acceptable 'pass' so I'm giving it to myself.

Day 4 (Wednesday) - Was damn well gonna get on the elliptical today. But... the child I mentor on Wednesday nights looked at me with hopeful eyes and informed me that Christmas In The Park was up, and could we go, please? So we walked around browsing nomadic carnival rides and nostalgic-with-a-side-of-creepy animatronic displays. I carried with us the folding chair I always keep in the car, and took lots of breaks. Send her on a ride, sit and rest. Let her play a carnival game, sit and rest. Make her watch the perpetual motion machine in front of The Tech Museum for way longer than she wanted to because a) it's awesome and I wasn't done, and b) sit and rest. It was frustrating to need so many breaks, and painful even with the amount of breaks I took. I prolly didn't get my heart rate up enough for long enough, but I did move my body. And I broke a sweat. (Tho that could've been the pain more than the exertion. Not totally sure. But I digress....) It totally counts as exercise, and yet on the ride home I felt more motivated to get on the elliptical than I did yesterday or the day before! I didn't let myself, though, because my back is not happy from our outing this evening and I want to make sure to give it rest.

A commenter on my Day 1 post suggested the "Don't Break the Chain" model for momentum and motivation, and it definitely appeals. I want to be forming the habit of thinking every day, "have I moved my body today?" HOWEVER, the answer to that question is sometimes going to be "no" or "not in the manner I had planned" -- and that HAS TO BE OK. There are just gonna be days when life gets in the way and I give myself a pass, and/or I do some other activity that "counts" instead.

I may have some thinking to do about what, if any, ground rules I should lay for myself in terms of how many passes, in what circumstances, and/or what alternative activities "count." But on the other hand, that sounds like work. Besides, so far I'm feeling like I'm aimed in the right direction, so I think I'll continue just letting my gut guide me, at least for now. If in a few weeks the momentum is gone, I'll look at taking a less organic and improvisational / more structured and rules-y approach. the meantime, I need to print out a calendar for the month of December so I can start giving myself big red X's (or perhaps shiny gold stars, cause... stickers are totally motivational!).

If you have a workout/exercise/movement routine or goal, how do you decide how many chores, how much walking at the mall, how much pickup soccer with your kids at the park, etc. is a reasonable substitution for your regularly scheduled exercise activity? Would you recommend your approach for a baby beginner exerciser, or modify it in some way?

Monday, November 26, 2012

Fat Poz Zone

Howdy folks,

Just a friendly reminder that this is a fat-positive zone. Or - if you can't quite manage that - at the very least, a weight-neutral zone. No discussion of intentional weight loss is welcome here, even if "you're just concerned about my health." That's called Concern Trolling (1) and it's not welcome here.

But how can you support me, if you can't tell me to lose weight, or share your inspiring story of how you lost half your body weight and have kept it off for 10 years and will sleep better at night knowing you've done everything you can to avoid the cancer that killed your mother? Read on, friend... read on.

A) Encourage me in my efforts at adopting weight-neutral, HAES(r)-based strategies for managing and improving my health and encourage me in those BEHAVIORS rather than in some perceived or "should" weight-loss goal.
  • Studies abound which show that the positive health outcomes commonly attributed to weight loss will be achieved regardless of weight loss, if the healthy behaviors (movement, nutritious eating, etc) are adopted. (2)
  • Studies also show that when weight loss is the motivating factor to exercise/eat healthfully, motivation tapers and the behaviors are abandoned when weight loss is not achieved or plateaus. On the other hand, when "feeling better" is the goal, incremental improvements provide positive reinforcement on an ongoing basis. 
B)  Even if it seems like weight loss might be the only way to improve how I feel, or if you cannot bring yourself to believe that my weight is not a causal factor in how I feel, resist the urge to suggest weight loss. Long-term, sustainable weight loss is just not possible for the vast majority of people.(3)
  • The reality that doctors and diet programs fail to acknowledge is that somewhere around 95% of weight-loss diets fail. So by having weight loss as a goal, I'm very likely to be setting myself up for failure. 
  • Still believe that I should be striving to be part of that 5%? Fine. Keep it to yourself, and see Point 1 -- you can encourage all the healthy behaviors you think I should be doing, and you are welcome to think to yourself that they'll lead to weight loss if that helps you support me. (Though hopefully you'll go out and read the research for yourself so you can continue to support me even when I don't "succeed" at becoming thin.) 
C)  For me personally, the suggestion that I need to lose weight is particularly harmful due to my medical history.
  • If you really care about me, you will resist the urge to suggest weight loss for the simple and very personal reason that I have a history of eating disorder and the suggestion of weight loss from people I care about is very likely to bring on a relapse. I am tired of throwing up, depression, anxiety, etc. Seriously tired.

(1) On Concern Trolls:

(2) On positive health outcomes independent of weight loss:

(3) On long-term, sustainable weight loss being highly unlikely for the vast majority of people:

Sunday, November 25, 2012

The Workout Experiment: Day 1

I suffer from chronic back, knee, and hip pain. Even more frightening, it's been getting steadily worse, and increasingly limiting to my day-to-day activities over the past year or so. It's gotten to the point that I can't go to an amusement park or museum, can't go shopping unless there is an electric courtesy cart, can't do SO MANY THINGS. A couple of weeks ago, I reached a crisis point. I was tired of being in pain all the time, terrified of the speed at which it was getting worse, and desperate to figure out what to do about it.

So I dragged my fiance to a local sports equipment shop that carries second-hand and consignment exercise machines. Amazingly, they were far more affordable than I'd thought, and we found one we really liked AND that would fit in the small available corner of our living room. Sold! It was delivered last Tuesday, but with the craziness of getting ready for Turkey Day and then being out of town, today was Day 1.

I've decided to chronicle my efforts, for several reasons. 1) so that I can look back and see how much progress I've made, 2) in hopes that sharing my efforts and getting cheered on by my community will help keep me motivated, and 3) because I believe it's important that we all serve as role models for each other in honoring where we are and celebrating our efforts... even if - perhaps especially if - we're afraid that we'll be judged that our efforts aren't good enough, or afraid of revealing our "shame" at how small our abilities/accomplishments are at first. So, without further ado....

Day 1: I walked on the elliptical for 1 minute, 35 seconds at the lowest resistance and slowest speed I could do while still getting the pedals going in a rhythm. At the end of that time, I was breathing hard enough to be uncomfortable and could definitely "feel the burn" - particularly in the front part of my thighs. Happily, neither my back nor my knees were uncomfortable. When I stepped off the machine, I did feel a little unsteady on my feet and needed to sit down. But recovery was fairly fast. Given that I have little/no experience of exercise since middle school PE torture, I don't feel well calibrated as to how I'm supposed to feel and how far I'm supposed to push myself, so I'm erring on the side of caution. Nothing's more likely to dis-incentivize me to keep up this project than pushing myself too hard and ending up in a bunch of pain.

So there ya go. Day 1. Go me! :)

Friday, November 16, 2012

Apparently fat causes uterine cancer...

The following is a letter I sent to the Fat Studies Group in hopes that I can get some answers on this issue. I wanted to go ahead and post it here, because I'm sure anything a doc has told me, other docs have told other fatties. Any helpful responses I get, I'll post here as well (if I can get permission) or at least summarize so that others can benefit from whatever wisdom the Fat Studies Group members are kind enough to share.

Also, hey, I know there are plenty more smart and wise people in the world than can possibly be contained in one Fat Studies Group (even as awesome as this group is)! So if you have thoughts/wisdom/knowledge to add, please do! :)

TO: Fat Studies Group
DATE: 11/16/2012

Hi folks,

I need your wisdom and your knowledge, please. I am in a great deal of distress over some medical stuff and accompanying weight blaming, and I need to arm myself with information in order to navigate my way through.

As have so many of us, I have spent a lot of time, energy, and resources working to unlearn the paradigm that fat=health risk and that lose weight=better health outcomes. I know to ignore docs when they tell me to lose weight to improve my blood pressure, cholesterol, prevent diabetes, etc. I know it's about healthy behaviors, not a weight or a BMI on a chart. I know that when the myriad medical voices and social pressures get too overwhelming and gastric bypass starts to sound like a magic wand, I need to turn to my support system and recharge and remind myself that it is SO NOT the answer. I am a believer in Fat Lib, HAES, the whole shebang.

And yet... I've gotten a new argument thrown at me that I haven't encountered before, and it's thrown me for a loop. Apparently now I need to lose weight or I'm going to get uterine cancer. Let me 'splain...

Thursday, August 9, 2012

Putting the doc on notice

Part 3 of 3 (CONTINUED from earlier 2 posts):

So a week-plus after that initial conversation, bolstered by the intervening email with my doc and an in-person follow-up scheduled for Monday, I felt brave enough to actually reach out for that appointment with Dr. H's recommended gynecologist, Dr. W.

ASIDE: Can I just say how AWESOME it is to be able to send an email appointment request, so I know that my words will be received and recorded before I even step into that office? Love it!

Here's the email I wrote:

...please note that I will be accompanied by my fiance and will need him to be with me in the exam room in order to help me cope with the anxiety this appointment causes.

This appointment is for a follow-up to an abnormal PAP. I have been referred to Dr. W by my Primary, Dr. H. Dr. H has already spoken with Dr. W about my case.
Please put a note in my file that there is to be absolutely no discussion of weight or other general health issues by Dr. W or staff (aka your belief that I need to lose weight, eat less/differently, exercise more/differently; or any other non-gynecological issue). I have a history of eating disorders, anxiety and depression which are easily triggered in a medical setting, causing bouts of relapse.
I will see Dr. W to deal with the gynecological concerns raised by my recent physical, but will be fighting through significant fear and anxiety to do so. My overall health is being satisfactorily addressed by Dr. H, my psychotherapist, and other members of my health team. If Dr. W has any general health concerns, please relay them to Dr. H, who can deliver them in a manner that will not upset my other health progress.

NOTE: Please communicate by email only, NOT phone. I do NOT feel comfortable discussing gynecological issues during business hours, while I am at work. 

I just hope that it will be received in the spirit in which it was intended (firmly requesting/insisting on care that will not cause me harm, NOT being some sort of demanding, entitled diva type). I don't actually know if the doc will respect my wishes or not, think I'm cool and self-advocating or high-maintenance and non-compliant. But I've decided it's a WIN just to send the email. How the doc responds is another concern, for another day...

How do you think a doctor would respond if you sent an email ahead of time stating your needs, such as what I wrote? Do you have any other tips and tricks for managing fraught or fat-shaming situations?


Part 2 of 3 (CONTINUED from my earlier post of moments ago, where this little tidbit just didn't quite fit.)

Possible trigger warning (same as before): I'll be discussing gynecological issues and some sexuality shame that snuck up without warning and whacked me on the head like a ton of bricks... but so far no fat hate to warn y'all about (yay for small favors!)
Later in the evening, as the "You have an STD" portion of the conversation sunk in more, I began to feel really yucky. As in dirty, tainted, ashamed; feeling that my fiance would not want me - and should not; ugly stuff. For those of you not in the "mean voice in Amanda's head" club, you may have noticed we went from fact-land (per my doc, HPV is very common and hard to detect, no way to tell when you got it because it can lay dormant for years, no way to tell whether I or my partner brought it into our relationship, etc. etc.) to OMG BAGGAGE & SHAME in about 5 seconds flat.

I know that my sexuality hangups are all entangled and chicken-or-egg-y with my general body issues and hangups. When you grow up mistrusting your body, feeling undesirable, ungirly/unwomanly, diseased, etc., as I did - it seems only logical that dysfunctional relationship with my body generally would seep into a dysfunctional sexuality. this is a part of my personal self-work and my fat poz explorations that I've just begun to look into; I'm pretty sure I'm still just barely scratching the surface.

You may be interested to know (perhaps even proud of me, as I am a little of myself) that when I calmed down and realized all these nasty thoughts weren't just going away, I emailed my doc and told her some of my concerns. I asked her for some facts to help clear the cobwebs. Here's what she said:

HPV is a very common diagnosis. Unfortunately, there are typically no symptoms at all which is why we screen for it. In general, condoms are not very effective at preventing transmission... In most men, it causes no symptoms or problems at all. The one exception is that sometimes men can develop genital warts from this. Only if genital warts develop are we able to biopsy diagnosis HPV in men. Just to give you an idea, over 80% of women with more than a total of 5 lifetime partners will have HPV sometime in their lives. Over 95% of women with HPV will clear the infection on their own. I definitely think we should talk about this more, however. I'm hoping you can make an appointment for later this week.

I'm not totally sorted out, but it helped. 

Takeaway from round 2: Asking for help really does help. Being surrounded by people who care about you and feel strongly about you not feeling sh*tty about yourself helps, too. 

Have you asked for help recently (on a fat-poz issue or any issue)? How did it go?


Possible trigger warning: I'll be discussing gynecological issues and some sexuality shame that snuck up without warning and whacked me on the head like a ton of bricks... but so far no fat hate to warn y'all about (yay for small favors!).

Last week, in the midst of possibly the worst 'vacation' of my life (another story for another day!), I got a call from my primary care doctor, Dr. H. Super sweetie that she is, she had left a message earlier in the afternoon but didn't reach me, so she tried again around 5:30 or 6 in the evening to make sure she connected with me. She needed to tell me the mildly concerning news that my most recent PAP test had come back with some abnormal cells. She calmly and soothingly informed me that this does NOT mean I have cancer; that even if I do end up having pre-cancerous cells or cancer, it is super treatable and should NOT have any long-lasting effects, affect my ability to have children; etc. So far, so good.

Then she explains the plan from here:
  1. Go to an actual gynecologist (she's just a family medicine doc) for a biopsy to get a better sense of what we're dealing with. She explains this will feel like a "really long, more painful PAP". Joy. I'm starting to get anxious now. 
  2. You tested positive for HPV, which we know causes changes in cervical cells, so at least that explains why this has happened. AKA, I have a sexually transmitted disease. *(see note)
  3. What happens now? Well, even if everything comes back normal after the biopsy, you'll have repeat PAPs every 3-6 months (with the gynecologist stranger, not my beloved Dr. H).
  4. If it comes back precancerous after all... some sort of procedure where they freeze off the offending cells, blah blah it all becomes a blur at this point. I'm trying to cry quietly so she doesn't hear me losing my cool.

So Dr. H asks me how I'm doing. Poorly concealing that I'm losing it, I wobble out a watery, "Ok." I tell her that it's not actually the diagnosis freaking me out; it's the series of invasive-feeling medical appointments and procedures... it's been 3 years since I last got a PAP for a reason! She knows me well enough to know this is a Big Yucky Deal. I concede that if she'll refer me to a gynecologist she feels good about, AND if she'll call said doc ahead of time, that I'll go get this done. I need her to call and explain to the gynecologist that he/she is to discuss gynecological issues only with me, that I have a history of depression and eating disorders and they are NOT to discuss weight or weight loss in any way, so as not to trigger these issues. Dr. H agrees, saying she'll call as soon as we hang up.

Jealous of my amazing doc yet? As a sidenote, you should know that my relationship with this doc has only gotten to this point after YEARS of work and continual self-advocacy and reminding her of the principles of HAES that I need her to go with. She's still not perfect, but man, she totally cares about my overall wellbeing, and that's worth SO, SO much.

Take-away WIN from round 1: I was able to do self-advocacy in the midst of a crisis, in a stressful context (medical stuffs) which has tripped me up in the past.

What self-advocacy WINs have you scored lately? What self-advocacy opportunities do you need to practice up for so you're ready next time?

Monday, July 16, 2012

Two victories in one little gym trip = WIN

Making this a quick, run-by blogging as I have much to do today... but had to set down in text and in my memory the awesome experience I had this past Saturday morning:

I went to a new-to-me YMCA, and for the first time in my life was totally comfortable walking around in the locker room nude. There were so many diverse bodies (though mostly age diversity, no other super size gals were there at the time I was), and everyone was so naturally at ease, that it was easy to be at ease too. Of course the years of work and struggle I've put in learning to be happier in my own skin probably helped too. So I'm taking a moment to revel and feel proud!

Another reason to feel proud... We had meant to go for the deep water aerobics class, which I thought was at 8:30. However, it was actually at 8am, and already well underway when we arrived... but instead of giving up, I grabbed my workout buddy (aka fiance) and dragged him to the shallow pool where we could do some water walking instead. 

PS - I am painfully aware that this is not my best writing. More along the lines of a FB status than a "real"/"good enough" blog, says my inner critic. So please be gentle and support me in taking a risk in posting it anyway, because I don't have time today to refine it to where I'd like it to be. And posting something rough is WAY better than waiting until I can post something "real", which will lead to never posting anything, and losing this great moment from my memory!

Wednesday, March 28, 2012

Appreciation and privilege

I just want to say that although I've largely stayed quietly on the sidelines through the various discussions I've seen lately in various corners of my fat activism world about race, discrimination, and privilege, I've appreciated them.

I appreciate the work of activists of color who are enduring silently the racism within our movement; I know I cannot understand fully how hurtful it is, but I do feel sad about the hurt you endure. And I appreciate your willingness to hang in there in the face of ignorance and spite and other negative stuff.

I appreciate the voices of activists of color who are willing to speak their concerns about racism they feel, and face, and endure. I know you often get negativity back when you share your criticisms and concerns, and I feel so disappointed and angry when that happens. I appreciate that you share them anyway. 

I appreciate the humility and grace of those who possess white privilege and are willing to be on a journey of dialogue and learning about what that means and how to best be a Fat Lib voice for justice, liberation, and positivity for ALL the members of our Fat Lib community and fat people everywhere.

I aspire, and strive, to be one of the latter. I know I'll fail sometimes, which makes it hard for me to speak up at all. And I recognize that not speaking up at all can, in itself, be a failure to be the activist I want to be. So I thank the folks who are willing to take the time, the energy, the patience to educate, or point towards education, or in any other way help those of us who are white, who do have privilege, and who want to understand it and try never to abuse it. Thank you for doing the work you do, so that I and others in my situation can take steps on the journey of an inclusive Fat Lib movement with less fear of making a hurtful misstep.