Seeing my impact

When I first started on my fat acceptance journey, many people close to me didn't get it. As we all know, fat hate and pro-weight-loss are so normalized in our society that it can take a long, LONG time to unlearn it and re-calibrate ourselves to acceptance of body diversity and weight neutrality and health as a thing totally separate from weight.

Despite knowing all this, it particularly stung when my mom didn't instantly get it. The reasons why are her story to tell, though from the pieces she's shared with me I know that among other things, she got her share of crap for being "fat" growing up, and so it broke her heart to see her daughter suffering because of her weight. (Well, because of society and medicine's views on my weight, but... we're speaking about her perspective, back then.)

Over the years, she's listened as I ranted, soapboxed, and monologued. She's read my blog, supported me emotionally and otherwise, and asked questions. Over the years, I've seen her really change from the classic "but what about your HEALTH?" worries to more and more true acceptance. Still, I didn't know if it was a change in her actual feelings about weight and health, or if she still thought those worries, but was honoring my expressed boundaries not to talk about it.

So I was absolutely floored, honored, amazed, and more to receive this message from her today on the FB:

"Grrr. This is the message I sent to my new "friend" just before I unfriended her!

'I accepted your friendship because I thought you were interested in art and jewelry. I have close friends who have eating disorders that are set off by diet talk. I am not interested in that and therefore will need to unfriend you. Best regards, [my amazing mom]'"

Holy crapasaurus. I... there are no words. Thanks, mom. I love you.

Cruising While Fat: Doing my research, asking for help...

I've spent a lot of time over the past few days researching Cruising While Fat (and cruising in general), as my fiance and I have decided we'll be doing a short, 4-night cruise as the first leg of our honeymoon. I am, of course, concerned about various aspects of the trip. As a fat person (fat enough to not fit in many standard chairs, etc) and a disabled person (unable to walk/stand more than 3-5 minutes without severe pain), I'm definitely always worried about new/unknown situations and environments. Hence the obsessive researching.

I've learned a lot from various online articles, forums, and blogs I can't possibly hope to reference here. (I started by searching for info about mobility scooters and accessible accommodations, but it's been a series of whirlwind trips down the rabbit hole with 20-30 tabs open at a time as I followed whatever train of thought caught my eye! I will say I think my favorite resource overall is CruiseCritic.com - in particular the forums.)

Along the way, someone pointed me to John Heald's Blog. John is Senior Cruise Director for Carnival Cruises, and it was mentioned that his blog has great info and that he often helps people personally/answers fan questions. I thought I'd send him a quick little note and it turned into a veritable NOVEL as I poured out my questions. Here's hoping he answers!

Hi John,

I stumbled on your blog as I was researching in preparation to be a first-time cruiser this July, and I'm so glad I did!

My future husband and I hope to begin our honeymoon with a Monday through Friday cruise from Long Beach, CA, to Ensenada, Mexico on the Carnival Inspiration this coming July. We're both first-time cruisers, and I've been reading and reading on Carnival.com, on the forums, blogs, etc. I am getting more and more excited - and more and more convinced this will only be the first of MANY Carnival vacations! I can't wait to celebrate the beginning of our marriage on this beautiful ship. I've read tons of advice to 1st time cruisers from longtime cruisers, but I'd love to hear any thoughts you have on this as well. I'm sure you have a different perspective and will have great advice!

I also have a few specific questions, that are far more anxiety-producing and that I really hope you can help me with. I've found tons of great information online but as a fat and disabled woman I have a few concerns that I haven't been able to find answers on. I really hope you can help me.

First off, let me start by telling you the good news I have read online. People say:
--Overall, Carnival has the most spacious standard cabins, so that larger people without additional special needs may be comfortable without needing a handicapped accessible room.
--Carnival has a great bathroom layout, and that because of the way the shower is arranged, even larger people can comfortably shower.
--Hosts and wait staff are always very responsive in accommodating requests for armless chairs in the dining room, and sometimes even anticipate the request without being asked.
--Many theatres and lounges have sofas and bench seats that are comfortable for people of all sizes, in addition to/instead of traditional theatre seats with arms that may not fit all bodies.

This is all GREAT news, and did a lot to alleviate my worries. However, I'm really hoping for your help because I have some worries specific to my size (at the larger end of the large-people scale).
--There are two different types of accessible cabins, "modified" and "accessible" -- which would be the right choice for someone of size with mobility limitations, using an electronic mobility scooter to get around the ship (but able to walk around the cabin)? Also, I was told that accessible cabins are only available for the "inside" and "outside" cabin classes, and not for the Jr Suite. We'd like to do a suite but don't want to get ourselves in trouble with accessibility issues. Can you advise?
--Can you help me locate contact information for approved vendors for rental of electric mobility scooters for use on the Carnival Inspiration?
--I read a horror story about a larger woman on a mobility scooter breaking the gangplank and nearly falling into the gap between the ship and the dock. Can you calm my fears by sharing the weight limit of the gangplank on the Carnival Inspiration?
--Is there a weight limit on the toilets in the rooms? I see that they are wall-mounted rather than supported on the floor. Is this the same in the accessible cabins? I read one story where a self-identified "SSBBW" woman expressed concerns about the toilet in her room and the staff were able to install a block under the toilet to support it. Is this something you've heard of? Can it be arranged ahead of time? 
--Will it be possible to sit during the safety drill? I cannot stand comfortably for more than 2-3 minutes.
--Are there any other things that you've learned over the years that larger cruisers should anticipate/be prepared to do differently?

Thank you for your patience in reading this long email, and I appreciate any thoughts and advice you can share to make this truly the honeymoon we are hoping and wishing for!

My sincere thanks in advance for your help,

Amanda

Have you gone on a cruise as a fat person? What advice can you share?

The Workout Experiment: Day 10

I woke up naturally, 1 minute before my alarm clock, today! It could be that I actually went to bed before 11pm. It could be that I just happened to hit the sleep cycles just right. Or... could it be that this exercise project is already bearing fruit? Wouldn't THAT be cool... :)

Day 10: Decided to try out my commenters' suggestion of exercising in the morning before my shower. Feeling on a high from waking up naturally, I did 50 seconds before hitting the shower and getting ready for my day.

Feeling good so far... hope I don't hit an energy slump later today or anything. I'll just have to be mindful of how I'm doing throughout the day and see whether am exercise works for me.

PS - This is the first day where I'm putting two cupcake stickers right next door to each other (aka exercised 2 days in a row). I kinda thought today I was due, but it turns out not. Cool!

PPS - the word "exercise" is starting to feel less scary/yucky/OMG-anything-called-exercise-is-gonna-be-hard-painful-and-humiliating and more EMPOWERING. Again... this is all very cool! My mood is on a pretty nice high today!

The Workout Experiment: Days 8-9

Day 8: Luckily it was a planned rest day, as I spent much of the day at the Urgent Care clinic with my fiance, who was eventually transported to the ER and is currently still in the hospital with pancreatitis. (He will be OK... sadly this is what happens when you have severe diabetes and don't take proper care of yourself.)

Day 9: Walked in the door from visiting V at the hospital about 8:30pm, set down the crap in my arms (including my dinner), and went straight to the elliptical. Probably I should've eaten first - especially since hadn't had much in the way of breakfast or lunch either. But I knew if I didn't do it right then while I was still in "go" mode, it wouldn't happen. So... 40ish seconds on Day 9 - check.

Calendar update: I found an adorable printable calendar that's suiting my needs so far. And you can't beat the price tag: FREE. (OK, technically a few cents of paper and ink.)

I was going to use the classic gold stars, but took note of commenter Jeanette's input and decided to use the sparkliest, most exciting stickers I had on hand. And let me tell you... it makes a difference. I get excited to place the next one! (I may or may not be an office supply slash sticker addict.) Not quite sure what I'm gonna do when I run out of amazing glittery cupcake stickers... excuse to buy more stickers, I guess!

Action Shot: December 2012

Here's a link to the free printable for 2012, in case you need December. And here's 2013.

Do stickers on a calendar motivate you? If not, what does?

Deleted Comment

I'm flattered, I think... I have enough readers that I'm now deleting my second unacceptable comment. The first was a concern troll... this one's just downright rude.

I received the following comment on my most recent post:

Anonymous December 2, 2012 12:23 PDM

Why are you taking rest days? You should be doing SOMETHING extra every day, no excuses.

If you always say you're "too tired"/"wanted a rest day" then you're not going to get anywhere.

I will be deleting the SH*T out of this comment. Do I even need to list the reasons why? The use of "should," the scolding/reprimanding tone, the phrase "you're not going to get anywhere." Um... the exercise professionals I trust have told me to start with 3 days a week. Not to mention that telling someone who's taking first tentative steps into a new and difficult lifestyle change that they're DOING IT WRONG OOGA-BOOGA is pretty much guaranteed to be unhelpful/counterproductive.

Jerk.

The Workout Experiment: Days 6-7

Well here we are at the end of Week 1! I feel really positive, and very excited to keep moving forward...

I appreciate all the comments y'all have been leaving. When you tell me your story, even if I don't  take what you're doing and implement it exactly, I still learn from it - learning different ways to think about exercise, different ways to motivate myself, or what's triggering and anti-motivating for me. I am definitely a person who processes ideas best by thinking things through in conversation with others. I guess that's part of why I keep a blog and not just a private journal!

Day 6 was a rest day. I looked at calendars in the dollar aisle at Target (to implement the "don't break the chain" approach) but didn't find any exciting ones. Time to keep my eyes open for a calendar that makes me happy.

Day 7 (today) - got on the machine for about 36 seconds, but went a bit faster than other times. I can feel a pleasant burn in the front of my thighs now, a couple hours later. Nothing debilitating or painful, just a "yup, I moved my body." This is fun!

How do you know when you've hit just the right amount of exercise for your body? What does it feel like for you?

The Workout Experiment: Day 5

So here I was, sharing my Workout Experiment journey in part to bolster my own certainty that taking it slow was the right thing to do... but my inner judgy voice was still secretly thinking 1 minute, 30 seconds on the treadmill was really not enough. Cue Cinder Ernst, fitness coach extraordinaire, who chimed in to say,

"Yay for you. 1.5 min of the elliptical is a big chunk for day 1. I suggest starting w an amount that leaves you feeling good all over, maybe 30 seconds for a few days, then 1 min for a few days etc. You will find if you use the smallest smallest smallest of steps, consistently, your body will start to lean into it."

Thank you, Universe, for all these wonderful teachers and wise women I have been able to bring into my life! Today, without even resting after bringing in groceries - because I knew if I stopped moving I'd hit they hay and not wake up til morning - I did 35 seconds on the elliptical. And it was enough. And the next time, I might do a minute-plus. And hey - the time after that, I might do 30 seconds or a minute again.

One thing I'd fallen into without even realizing it was thinking that each session had to be longer than the one before. Which, once it was brought up to the level of conscious thought, was ridiculous. Consistency is kind of ridiculous to ask of my body - especially when nothing else in my life is consistent! I will have had different days, different levels of activity, different levels of stress... Of course I would have different capacity to exercise. Thanks, Cinder - I needed that!

Edited to add: I know Cinder's point was really to start smaller, more so than the insight I ended up getting to about consistently increasing the time not being the only measure of success. But it was Cinder's point - or rather, her voice of reason saying 1.5 min was probably too much for my body - which allowed me to tune in and really think through my expectations/assumptions. So it's really two lessons here on Day 5: 1) start EVEN. SMALLER. and 2) don't expect the seconds to only increase. They're gonna move depending on how my body feels, and that's OK too.