Crowdsourcing a great podcast name

Crossposted from my personal FB page:

I suck at catchy names. I'm dreaming about the podcast I hope to start someday, and I need a name to hook the dreaming to.

I'm envisioning a roleplaying game actual play podcast with a gender-diverse cast, leaning toward maybe female and NB only? (Not sure yet, depends on who I find that's as excited about this as me and willing to jump in and commit. I feel like it's too early to rule out anything since this is just in the rattling-around-in-my-head stage. I might find a man I decide would be an asset. He would have to be deeply feminist, anti-racist, anti-ableist, fat libber, LGBTQ+ affirming, etc, of course; non-cis and/or non-het would be preferred.)

I'd also like to make it diverse on other axes but I also don't want to tokenize. Discussions on this front most welcome, but maybe on a different thread since I started this asking for name help? Or maybe here. Whatever people want to do.

As for the RPG side... We would most likely start with D&D 5E since D&D is the most well-known system and 5E is the most accessible edition for me. But the name should be general enough that we have freedom to explore other systems and worlds.

Ultimately, it's a podcast about using roleplaying and group storytelling to envision worlds and stories that are intersectional on every axis, not just the same old fantasy trope status quo.

Some keywords/concepts that the title might use or imply...
dice
roll
natural 20
critical hit
critical miss
genderqueer
gender diverse
intersectional
tabletop
gaming
geeks
fantasy
characters
story
storytelling
podcast
microphone
not your dad's D&D
questioning tropes
utopian
envision
feminist
post-dudebro-D&D
"the future is female" / "the future is intersectional"
maybe something that makes a great acronym?

Massage appointment

I have been in nearly excruciating back and neck pain since earlier this week. I even purchased a handheld percussion massager and while that helped a little, I still really wanted professional help. I was starting to feel desperate and started Yelping massage therapists. Stumbled on one that does in-home massage and that was a revelation: I wouldn't have to navigate an unfamiliar (likely inaccessible) location, or drive (which hurts), or wrestle my scooter. 

I did another search specifically for in-home massage.  In the process, I saw a lot of reviews for prenatal massage, which was sort of a light bulb -- if they can work with a pregnant belly, why not with my big belly? And there was mention of massage lying on one's side, another moment of discovery -- since facedown is untenable and on my back is uncomfortable. Eventually I found one with great reviews. Checked out the website and liked the look of it. Confirmed I'm in their service area. But above all, there was story after story about the owner, Riya, going above and beyond, being compassionate and intuitive, etc.

So...I filled out the request for massage" form on the website. I explained I was a person of size; I needed to know if they could accommodate my need to be on my side during the massage; that I have chronic pain and I was really hoping they could help me. I hoped it might work out but in my gut I really expected them not to have a table that would accommodate me, to be overtly unwilling to work with me, or to reveal subtle fat hate.

Instead, Riya, the owner, called me a couple hours after I sent my email left a message that her table is rated to 700 pounds, lying on my side is no problem, and she was reaching out to learn more about my situation so that she could determine what equipment to bring to best help me.

We played phone tag a couple times yesterday, then connected this evening and spoke for about 20 minutes. I explained I really think massage could help me but I've been reluctant because I am scared of therapists being disgusted by my body. I told her about my various health concerns and pains. She was compassionate and I got a good feeling from her. I really, really hope this is a beginning of a therapeutic relationship that makes a big difference for me. 

Fat Activism Conference 2015

Registration is live for the Fat Activism Conference 2015 -- at which I will be a presenter!! I am super excited and REALLY nervous, and hope that bunches of you will come along for the ride.

I think you'll love the diverse, interesting, passionate group of speakers AND the ability to listen and join in from the comfort of your own favorite comfy chair, or listen to the recordings at a time that works for you even if you're busy that weekend!

We speakers have all been invited to earn a portion of your registration price if you use our affiliate link to register. Although I would do this for free, I think it makes a huge statement that this conference does not expect that, and pays all speakers via profit share.

Here's the registration link, and from there you can click to view the conference webpage and read all the details.

http://affiliate.realbigpublishing.com/registration-fat-activism-conference/?ap_id=aevans429

Defending Fat Positive Space

So one thing that constantly comes up in fat-positive community is the unrelenting stream of folks who protest that they need to be allowed to talk about their weight loss journey in fat-positive, explicitly diet-talk-free spaces. Or even that their weight loss goals are compatible with fat activism. I have a two-part response to folks who are choosing to pursue weight loss while participating in fat positive space.

Part 1) Nope, weight loss goals are not fat positive.
(Nope, not even yours, no matter what your justification is. Nope, not "for your health." Nope, not "as long as you're doing it safely and sanely." Nope, not because "it's ok if some people are happy being fat but you're not and something has to change.") Yup, that's radical. I'm unapologetic.

In the words of the always wise and amazing Marilyn Wann, weight loss goals are "mostly ineffective, sometimes harmful, and always promoting anti-fat beliefs."
1a) "mostly ineffective, sometimes harmful": the pursuit of intentional weight loss flies in the face of the masses of data that show that our bodies resist weight loss. Despite the massive denial pretty much everyone around us, medical professionals and laypeople alike, weight loss is not something we get to "choose." The vast majority of people will gain back the weight, often plus more. It doesn't matter if the weight loss is "for one's health" or any other reason. Bodies don't know why we're trying to lose weight, so the reason doesn't affect the underlying metabolic processes.
1b) "always promoting fat beliefs": Intentional weight loss is inherently anti-fat-positive. When one sets out to attempt to lose weight, one is placing value on being smaller over being larger. (Whether the value is the hope that one will be prettier, or in less pain, or less oppressed, it's still value.) Intentional weight loss is always at odds with fat activism and fat positivity. While one can say that one "doesn't judge others" the reality is weight loss goals indicate a judgment that fat can - at least in certain cases - be pathological. Fat positivity is about separating weight from health and judgment from both.

Part 2) On the other hand, this doesn't mean that we won't have all sorts of health problems, that we won't occasionally slip into feeling bad about our health or our bodies, or even slip into shaming/blaming our fat for our problems. It also doesn't mean that we won't have times when our fatness actually does cause us hardship in the world. All of this can be talked about in fat-positive space, if talked about with care. It doesn't have to be all roses all the time. But we need to talk about these things from a fat positive perspective that keeps the spaces safe.
It's the difference between saying, "my knees hurt so badly today, I think I'll try to lose 10 pounds" (not OK in fat positive space) and "my knees hurt so badly today, does anyone have ideas on how to make them feel better?" (totally cool) or even, "my knees hurt so badly today it's hard to remember not to blame my fat. Could you all post some fattie love?" (also awesome). It's not that the knee pain might not be caused or exacerbated by our superfat weight. It's that whether or not weight is a causal factor IS IRRELEVANT because there is no known way to safely and sustainably choose to lose weight. So we choose to focus on those things that we can control - exercise for strength, food for fulfillment, and let the weight fall where it may.

This belief system is an underlying assumption of any truly fat positive space. It is a big leap to take, from mainstream dialogue about bodies, health, and fatness... it takes abandoning pretty much everything we've ever been told about fatness, about bodies, about how to be happy. Not everyone is ready or interested in going there. And that's cool. The Underpants Rule says so. But to them I say:

Dear Pursuer of Weight Loss,
Fat positive space is predicated on the rejection of prioritizing thinness over fatness and the letting go of the notion that we choose our body size. You are not there yet. That's OK - I certainly cannot and would never tell anyone what they can or cannot do with their own body. But it does mean at times your beliefs will be at odds with the beliefs on which this space is founded. The discomfort that comes along with that is something only you can decide whether you are willing to endure in order to get all the happy awesomeness of the ways in which you do feel good in this group.
Much love and wishes for full fat awesome living,
Me

Why I won't WLS

So I guess this is my version of a Fat Acceptance 101 post. A long talk with a friend over February break helped me sort out most of the thinking, and then an "I believe in HAES but I want WLS because I'm in pain and weight loss will fix it" post and the numerous pro-WLS and WLS-accepting replies thereto -- in a purportedly HAES online group -- motivated me to write it out.

When you strip away the siren song of a cure for whatever ails us (whether that be physical pain, mental pain, disability, etc), this all remains true:

1) Medical science has NO CLUE whether being less fat actually confers the health benefits medical science associates with being less fat, because very little research has been done that effectively proves causation rather than mere correlation. (In other words, we don’t actually know if being thinner is healthier than being fatter.)

2) Medical science has NO CLUE whether making a naturally/genotypically fat person into an artificially/phenotypically less fat person (whether via typical "diet and exercise" or more intensive surgical means) actually confers the health benefits associated with being less fat. (In other words, even if being thinner is healthier than being fatter, we don’t know if that is because of the thinness itself or because of other genetic factors. We don't know if becoming thinner through external means will make you as healthy as a person who is naturally thin.)

3) Medical science has not identified ANY weight loss interventions that are proven by good quality studies to be effective in the long term for more than about 5% of people. This includes WLS. (In other words, even if becoming thinner is healthier, WE DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE PEOPLE THINNER. This is key.)

4) Medical science does NOT fully understand the human metabolism and the complex mechanisms by which our brains, hormones, enzymes, digestive system, and other body systems regulate how our bodies use and store the energy we take in. (In other words, it’s no wonder intentional weight loss doesn’t work – we don’t even understand the body systems we are attempting to control!)

5) What medical science DOES know is that our bodies adjust how efficiently we use energy, when and whether to use energy versus store energy for later use, and so on, based on how much energy we take in, how much energy we expend, and who knows how many other variables. (In other words, our bodies are not the same as car engines. The whole “just eat less and exercise more” mantra is fundamentally flawed, because our metabolism is constantly reacting to changing circumstances and changing how it processes fuel accordingly.)

6) Because medical science does not comprehend how to adjust the human metabolism, WLS works on the same general principle as weight loss interventions (giving the body less fuel so that it uses energy from stored reserves, e.g. body fat) but depends on a physical impediment to the body’s intake of fuel rather than a behavioral impediment. (In other words, WLS is just a weight loss diet with a “gun to the gut” in the form of some sort of physical implant or mutilation of the organs that inhibits the body’s ability to eat much volume and/or to absorb the nutrition from what is eaten.)

Yes, it is logical that some of our afflictions may be caused in some way by our larger bodies, and the wear and tear to joints and body systems caused by asking them to work hard transporting our eloquent poundage through life. But given all of the above, it seems clear that this is moot. Intentional weight loss is not an option. WE DON'T KNOW HOW TO MAKE FAT BODIES SMALLER. Diets don't magically work just because we are in pain and are doing weight loss "for our health." Biology doesn’t understand intent.

If we want to feel better, we need to focus on things we can control: eating food that feels good and provides us energy, moving our bodies in ways that build strength and stamina, and getting psychological and emotional support to process the complex and difficult emotions that come with living in pain, living with disability, and being a member of a marginalized and oppressed group in society.

Eating: back to basics

I have a hard time making healthier choices without feeling like I'm caving to the pressure to weight-loss diet. I have a hard time turning down foods that taste exciting but don't do great things for my body without feeling the old ED voices coming up to haunt me, triggered by the slightest hint of restriction. So I've spent a lot of time living in a land of overindulgence, choosing the milkshake, the chips, the full-octane everything, resisting anything that reminded me of ways I was instructed to eat in order to lose weight. Unfortunately, that meant cutting out a lot of practices and foods that would probably help me feel better, have more energy, better digestion, etc. The diet voice was still in charge; I was reacting against it rather than living under its restrictive thumb, but it was still running the show.

I was starting to worry that "eat food, stuff you like, as much as you want" wasn't for people like me. That I was deluding myself that HAES applies to someone as far out on the 'fat' end of the bell curve as I am. But luckily for me, I have a whole heap of awesome people in my life who are generous with their time and willing to talk me off the cliff.

Talking with them, I was reminded that The Fat Nutritionist is talking to me, that HAES does apply... but when your (my) relationship with food is so broken, you may have to take some time and energy to break down what "stuff you like" and "as much as you want" really mean. (Spoiler alert: they do not mean "mostly stuff you were deprived of as a restrictive eater/dieter/child whose eating was controlled by others" and "as much as it takes to make you so full it hurts but at least you're not scared of ever being hungry again.") Edit: Oh, wait. Michelle totally calls that out here. Oh well... I got there eventually.

I was reminded to dust off my toolkit and pull out tools I have forgotten to use for a while (such as the fabulous Deb Burgard's "Every Body Part Gets a Vote"). I was reminded that it's OK to make choices that are conventionally deemed "healthy" and that making said choices doesn't make me a tool of the Dieting Industrial Complex. Yup, even if choices that may make my body healthier resemble choices one might make under the tutelage of a mother who wants desperately to protect her child from a life of fatness.

I was reminded it's OK to have full-fat dressing when I want it, but that it's also OK to dig deep and realize what I really want is a light sprinkle of oil and vinegar (hey, it could happen!) AND, more importantly, it's OK to have a salad because it tastes great and is full of yummy veggies and fiber, and go ahead and have cheese and eggs on it too because I'm NOT trying to eat low-cal or low-fat per se, just trying to have a nicer life and that means fueling my body well.

When a car isn't just a car

So a month ago I was rear-ended and my car was totaled. Luckily I am physically fine. A little sore at first but my chiropractor did a great job getting me back on track. Unfortunately, the car search has been incredibly painful as I struggle to find a car that will accommodate my fat body. I have been having dark thoughts about capitulating to mainstream medicine and looking to weight loss diets/surgery/etc.

This week, we got connected with an accessibility place that does van conversions. Not only do they have a minivan that accommodates my fat body in the driver's seat, but I'll be able to load my mobility scooter all by myself without struggle, and have a level of freedom and independence I haven't had for a couple of years!

The downside: the placement of the pedals requires my leg to be straight out from my hip, rather than lolling to the side like it usually does because of my big belly. The muscles in my inner thigh have to work pretty hard to keep my leg in this position, and after a longish (20 min?) test drive I was in a good deal of pain. Everything else about this van is better than any of the other vehicles we've tried, and after much talk and brainstorming we concluded that no other vehicle is likely to be able to fix this problem, nor is there an aftermarket modification that can be done to fix it.

Luckily, I have my resources. I consulted with dear Cinder Ernst the amazing exercise coach, and she thinks exercise can strengthen this muscle group to make the pain less over time. Friend Carole talked up the benefits of the increased independence and freedom this van will give me, and encouraged me to have faith that I can do the strengthening piece.

I go sign paperwork tonight. I'm gonna have a new minivan!

Still struggling to own this disability identity and not feel like I should "just eat less and exercise more" and undo my disability. That sh*t doesn't work - I know the research shows it - and yet the pressure is everywhere!

Trying really hard to turn away those dark weight-loss-focused thoughts and remember that my job is to eat food, stuff I like, as much as I want, and to take small steps with exercise.


So hard! When I hit a major bump in the road like this, especially one that centers around my body size, it is SO HARD to stay on target.

Medical Self-Advocacy (and no weight loss talk!)

I advocated for myself today. I have a tooth that had an inadequate root canal last May and it's causing me increasing pain. My dentist sent me to a specialist, who agreed it needs to be re-treated. At the time it wasn't causing much pain, so when we learned my insurance only covers a re-treatment every 12 months and I'd have to wait until May, I sighed, was a little bit disgusted by insurance running my health care decisions, and put a note in my calendar to call the office in April to schedule.

A couple weeks later, my tooth is really bothering me. So today I called my dentist and asked if they could help me advocate to my insurance company that the procedure really needs to happen sooner. Bad news - they were told it's every 24 months, not every 12! Good news - there is a process to appeal this. My dentist is working with the specialist dentist to have them send the required x-ray images and narrative to the insurance company. It could take up to 4 weeks to review but at least the ball is rolling.

In the meantime, ibuprofen is gonna be my best pal.

On a side note, it's really nice to be having a health issue that no one, but no one, thinks is my own fault because of my weight, nor that it could be solved by weight loss. Being treated for my specific health concern with nary a whiff of a suggestion of drastic weight loss tactics is a novel experience, and one I'd love to be able to get used to!!

Changes to Notes from the Fatosphere Feed!

As you will hear from many sources if you, like me, follow the Notes from the Fatosphere feed, there are some changes coming. I've been asked to share this with ya'll:

On 30th June, Google Reader will cease to exist. The Fatosphere feed has been moved to Feedly. Until the beginning of July, readers will be able to access NFTF via either Google Reader or Feedly, but from July 1st, you will need a Feedly account to continue to receive the feed.

All you need to do is go to Feedly.com, sign in with your google reader email and password, and follow the instructions to migrate your account from GR to Feedly.

If you don’t currently get the NFTF feed and want to do so, you can sign up for a new Feedly account. You will need either a gmail address, or a Google account for this. Then, once your account is set up, just type ‘notes from the fatosphere’ into the add content box and you’re done.

Puttin' on the Ritz

I grew up steeped in ideas about good foods and bad foods. Eating good foods (or even better, no food at all) made one a good girl, virtuous, and - eventually, presumably - skinny. Eating bad foods made one a bad girl, gluttonous, and fat with all the most negative connotations of fatness that society allows.

I've worked hard to unpack and (to some extent) unlearn these attitudes. I had a moment today when it really reared up. I realized I feel guilty/bad when I eat Ritz crackers. I remember being told they were full of fat and they were not something we ever had in the house growing up.

I wonder... are they really nutritionally that bad? I almost looked at the Nutrition Facts panel when the thought reared its head. But what would that prove? They are not made of air and cardboard, and they are a processed food, so a glance at the facts and figures is not likely to prove they've got the same nutritional content (or lack thereof) as a handful of celery sticks and shut up the guilt that way. Nope, that's staying within the problematic paradigm. It's not about whether they're "bad" or "good" at all. I've gotta use my intuitive eating and HAES skills and shut that sh*t down.

So...
Fact: In an ideal world, I would've brought a lunch, but I didn't.
Fact: The options to go out and purchase near work, and the time it would take to do so, did not work for me today.
Fact: I need to feed my body. Unplanned fasting is not an acceptable option for me.
Fact: I had Ritz crackers in my desk drawer because they're something I'll eat even when I feel crappy and/or don't feel like eating.

Therefore: Ritz crackers were the right choice given the parameters in place today.  

Take that, tape loop in my head!

Cruising while Fat: A Response from John Heald

Welp, I'm awake at 3:15am with intense pain throughout my face and jaw. Never had a head cold *quite* like this (and yes, I went to the doctor yesterday and will continue self-care and medical self-advocacy if it doesn't get worse!)... what better way to distract myself than Bones on TV and a blog post?

You may recall that back on January 9, I posted a letter I wrote to the brand spokesman for Carnival Cruises, asking about accessibility as a fat, mobility-impaired woman on their cruise ships. I never saw my question answered on his blog, so I re-submitted my question on Feb 21. Patience is a virtue, because he responded to me yesterday. Only it was kind of a non-answer answer... but here it is, for what it's worth:

Hello Amanda,
I am very glad that you have written to me and please do not worry because we will make sure you and those traveling with you have a brilliant time. Please, when you read this, can you contact Carnival’s guest access services desk and let them know your cabin number? This will be then documented and sent to the ship. I also ask that one week before you sail if you can please contact me on Facebook at www.facebook.com/johnheald and I will alert the ship and make sure you are well looked after. We have a special needs team on board who will look after you during the safety briefing and in a real emergency and, of course, you will be allowed to stay on your scooter. I am here if you have any questions and I wish you all the best of times.
Best wishes.
John

So.... on the one hand, no answers to most of my specific questions. On the other hand, he told me who to contact now, AND told me that if I contact him personally 1 week before we sail he'll make sure to alert the ship and make sure we're taken care of. So....meh. I'd kinda rather have answers to my specific questions to set my mind at ease and/or give me a course of action now, than a blanket "don't worry, we'll take care of you." But "we'll take care of you" is better than nothing. 

Seeing my impact

When I first started on my fat acceptance journey, many people close to me didn't get it. As we all know, fat hate and pro-weight-loss are so normalized in our society that it can take a long, LONG time to unlearn it and re-calibrate ourselves to acceptance of body diversity and weight neutrality and health as a thing totally separate from weight.

Despite knowing all this, it particularly stung when my mom didn't instantly get it. The reasons why are her story to tell, though from the pieces she's shared with me I know that among other things, she got her share of crap for being "fat" growing up, and so it broke her heart to see her daughter suffering because of her weight. (Well, because of society and medicine's views on my weight, but... we're speaking about her perspective, back then.)

Over the years, she's listened as I ranted, soapboxed, and monologued. She's read my blog, supported me emotionally and otherwise, and asked questions. Over the years, I've seen her really change from the classic "but what about your HEALTH?" worries to more and more true acceptance. Still, I didn't know if it was a change in her actual feelings about weight and health, or if she still thought those worries, but was honoring my expressed boundaries not to talk about it.

So I was absolutely floored, honored, amazed, and more to receive this message from her today on the FB:

"Grrr. This is the message I sent to my new "friend" just before I unfriended her!

'I accepted your friendship because I thought you were interested in art and jewelry. I have close friends who have eating disorders that are set off by diet talk. I am not interested in that and therefore will need to unfriend you. Best regards, [my amazing mom]'"

Holy crapasaurus. I... there are no words. Thanks, mom. I love you.

Cruising While Fat: Doing my research, asking for help...

I've spent a lot of time over the past few days researching Cruising While Fat (and cruising in general), as my fiance and I have decided we'll be doing a short, 4-night cruise as the first leg of our honeymoon. I am, of course, concerned about various aspects of the trip. As a fat person (fat enough to not fit in many standard chairs, etc) and a disabled person (unable to walk/stand more than 3-5 minutes without severe pain), I'm definitely always worried about new/unknown situations and environments. Hence the obsessive researching.

I've learned a lot from various online articles, forums, and blogs I can't possibly hope to reference here. (I started by searching for info about mobility scooters and accessible accommodations, but it's been a series of whirlwind trips down the rabbit hole with 20-30 tabs open at a time as I followed whatever train of thought caught my eye! I will say I think my favorite resource overall is CruiseCritic.com - in particular the forums.)

Along the way, someone pointed me to John Heald's Blog. John is Senior Cruise Director for Carnival Cruises, and it was mentioned that his blog has great info and that he often helps people personally/answers fan questions. I thought I'd send him a quick little note and it turned into a veritable NOVEL as I poured out my questions. Here's hoping he answers!

Hi John,

I stumbled on your blog as I was researching in preparation to be a first-time cruiser this July, and I'm so glad I did!

My future husband and I hope to begin our honeymoon with a Monday through Friday cruise from Long Beach, CA, to Ensenada, Mexico on the Carnival Inspiration this coming July. We're both first-time cruisers, and I've been reading and reading on Carnival.com, on the forums, blogs, etc. I am getting more and more excited - and more and more convinced this will only be the first of MANY Carnival vacations! I can't wait to celebrate the beginning of our marriage on this beautiful ship. I've read tons of advice to 1st time cruisers from longtime cruisers, but I'd love to hear any thoughts you have on this as well. I'm sure you have a different perspective and will have great advice!

I also have a few specific questions, that are far more anxiety-producing and that I really hope you can help me with. I've found tons of great information online but as a fat and disabled woman I have a few concerns that I haven't been able to find answers on. I really hope you can help me.

First off, let me start by telling you the good news I have read online. People say:
--Overall, Carnival has the most spacious standard cabins, so that larger people without additional special needs may be comfortable without needing a handicapped accessible room.
--Carnival has a great bathroom layout, and that because of the way the shower is arranged, even larger people can comfortably shower.
--Hosts and wait staff are always very responsive in accommodating requests for armless chairs in the dining room, and sometimes even anticipate the request without being asked.
--Many theatres and lounges have sofas and bench seats that are comfortable for people of all sizes, in addition to/instead of traditional theatre seats with arms that may not fit all bodies.

This is all GREAT news, and did a lot to alleviate my worries. However, I'm really hoping for your help because I have some worries specific to my size (at the larger end of the large-people scale).
--There are two different types of accessible cabins, "modified" and "accessible" -- which would be the right choice for someone of size with mobility limitations, using an electronic mobility scooter to get around the ship (but able to walk around the cabin)? Also, I was told that accessible cabins are only available for the "inside" and "outside" cabin classes, and not for the Jr Suite. We'd like to do a suite but don't want to get ourselves in trouble with accessibility issues. Can you advise?
--Can you help me locate contact information for approved vendors for rental of electric mobility scooters for use on the Carnival Inspiration?
--I read a horror story about a larger woman on a mobility scooter breaking the gangplank and nearly falling into the gap between the ship and the dock. Can you calm my fears by sharing the weight limit of the gangplank on the Carnival Inspiration?
--Is there a weight limit on the toilets in the rooms? I see that they are wall-mounted rather than supported on the floor. Is this the same in the accessible cabins? I read one story where a self-identified "SSBBW" woman expressed concerns about the toilet in her room and the staff were able to install a block under the toilet to support it. Is this something you've heard of? Can it be arranged ahead of time? 
--Will it be possible to sit during the safety drill? I cannot stand comfortably for more than 2-3 minutes.
--Are there any other things that you've learned over the years that larger cruisers should anticipate/be prepared to do differently?

Thank you for your patience in reading this long email, and I appreciate any thoughts and advice you can share to make this truly the honeymoon we are hoping and wishing for!

My sincere thanks in advance for your help,

Amanda

Have you gone on a cruise as a fat person? What advice can you share?

The Workout Experiment: Day 10

I woke up naturally, 1 minute before my alarm clock, today! It could be that I actually went to bed before 11pm. It could be that I just happened to hit the sleep cycles just right. Or... could it be that this exercise project is already bearing fruit? Wouldn't THAT be cool... :)

Day 10: Decided to try out my commenters' suggestion of exercising in the morning before my shower. Feeling on a high from waking up naturally, I did 50 seconds before hitting the shower and getting ready for my day.

Feeling good so far... hope I don't hit an energy slump later today or anything. I'll just have to be mindful of how I'm doing throughout the day and see whether am exercise works for me.

PS - This is the first day where I'm putting two cupcake stickers right next door to each other (aka exercised 2 days in a row). I kinda thought today I was due, but it turns out not. Cool!

PPS - the word "exercise" is starting to feel less scary/yucky/OMG-anything-called-exercise-is-gonna-be-hard-painful-and-humiliating and more EMPOWERING. Again... this is all very cool! My mood is on a pretty nice high today!

The Workout Experiment: Days 8-9

Day 8: Luckily it was a planned rest day, as I spent much of the day at the Urgent Care clinic with my fiance, who was eventually transported to the ER and is currently still in the hospital with pancreatitis. (He will be OK... sadly this is what happens when you have severe diabetes and don't take proper care of yourself.)

Day 9: Walked in the door from visiting V at the hospital about 8:30pm, set down the crap in my arms (including my dinner), and went straight to the elliptical. Probably I should've eaten first - especially since hadn't had much in the way of breakfast or lunch either. But I knew if I didn't do it right then while I was still in "go" mode, it wouldn't happen. So... 40ish seconds on Day 9 - check.

Calendar update: I found an adorable printable calendar that's suiting my needs so far. And you can't beat the price tag: FREE. (OK, technically a few cents of paper and ink.)

I was going to use the classic gold stars, but took note of commenter Jeanette's input and decided to use the sparkliest, most exciting stickers I had on hand. And let me tell you... it makes a difference. I get excited to place the next one! (I may or may not be an office supply slash sticker addict.) Not quite sure what I'm gonna do when I run out of amazing glittery cupcake stickers... excuse to buy more stickers, I guess!

Action Shot: December 2012

Here's a link to the free printable for 2012, in case you need December. And here's 2013.

Do stickers on a calendar motivate you? If not, what does?

Deleted Comment

I'm flattered, I think... I have enough readers that I'm now deleting my second unacceptable comment. The first was a concern troll... this one's just downright rude.

I received the following comment on my most recent post:

Anonymous December 2, 2012 12:23 PDM

Why are you taking rest days? You should be doing SOMETHING extra every day, no excuses.

If you always say you're "too tired"/"wanted a rest day" then you're not going to get anywhere.

I will be deleting the SH*T out of this comment. Do I even need to list the reasons why? The use of "should," the scolding/reprimanding tone, the phrase "you're not going to get anywhere." Um... the exercise professionals I trust have told me to start with 3 days a week. Not to mention that telling someone who's taking first tentative steps into a new and difficult lifestyle change that they're DOING IT WRONG OOGA-BOOGA is pretty much guaranteed to be unhelpful/counterproductive.

Jerk.

The Workout Experiment: Days 6-7

Well here we are at the end of Week 1! I feel really positive, and very excited to keep moving forward...

I appreciate all the comments y'all have been leaving. When you tell me your story, even if I don't  take what you're doing and implement it exactly, I still learn from it - learning different ways to think about exercise, different ways to motivate myself, or what's triggering and anti-motivating for me. I am definitely a person who processes ideas best by thinking things through in conversation with others. I guess that's part of why I keep a blog and not just a private journal!

Day 6 was a rest day. I looked at calendars in the dollar aisle at Target (to implement the "don't break the chain" approach) but didn't find any exciting ones. Time to keep my eyes open for a calendar that makes me happy.

Day 7 (today) - got on the machine for about 36 seconds, but went a bit faster than other times. I can feel a pleasant burn in the front of my thighs now, a couple hours later. Nothing debilitating or painful, just a "yup, I moved my body." This is fun!

How do you know when you've hit just the right amount of exercise for your body? What does it feel like for you?

The Workout Experiment: Day 5

So here I was, sharing my Workout Experiment journey in part to bolster my own certainty that taking it slow was the right thing to do... but my inner judgy voice was still secretly thinking 1 minute, 30 seconds on the treadmill was really not enough. Cue Cinder Ernst, fitness coach extraordinaire, who chimed in to say,

"Yay for you. 1.5 min of the elliptical is a big chunk for day 1. I suggest starting w an amount that leaves you feeling good all over, maybe 30 seconds for a few days, then 1 min for a few days etc. You will find if you use the smallest smallest smallest of steps, consistently, your body will start to lean into it."

Thank you, Universe, for all these wonderful teachers and wise women I have been able to bring into my life! Today, without even resting after bringing in groceries - because I knew if I stopped moving I'd hit they hay and not wake up til morning - I did 35 seconds on the elliptical. And it was enough. And the next time, I might do a minute-plus. And hey - the time after that, I might do 30 seconds or a minute again.

One thing I'd fallen into without even realizing it was thinking that each session had to be longer than the one before. Which, once it was brought up to the level of conscious thought, was ridiculous. Consistency is kind of ridiculous to ask of my body - especially when nothing else in my life is consistent! I will have had different days, different levels of activity, different levels of stress... Of course I would have different capacity to exercise. Thanks, Cinder - I needed that!

Edited to add: I know Cinder's point was really to start smaller, more so than the insight I ended up getting to about consistently increasing the time not being the only measure of success. But it was Cinder's point - or rather, her voice of reason saying 1.5 min was probably too much for my body - which allowed me to tune in and really think through my expectations/assumptions. So it's really two lessons here on Day 5: 1) start EVEN. SMALLER. and 2) don't expect the seconds to only increase. They're gonna move depending on how my body feels, and that's OK too. 

The Workout Experiment: Days 2-4

When we last left our brave heroine, she'd done 1.5 minutes on her exciting new (well, new to her) elliptical machine. There was much cheerleading and many motivational comments were made. And then you didn't hear from her for 3 days. Heh. I don't think it's realistic for me to post every day on this, so I'll do summaries whenever the mood strikes.

Day 2 (Monday) - Went to my parents' old house to pick up odds and ends of my leftover stuffs that had been buried in the attic. Physical labor up and down the stairs, and emotional labor sorting 3-4 boxes of childhood teenagehood papers and momentos. Got home late, ate dinner late, gave myself a pass on the elliptical.

Day 3 (Tuesday) - Had a 1.5-hour meeting with a wedding vendor directly after work, then to a late dinner, making it home about bedtime. Didn't end up going to bed anything like bedtime, but I was worn out from a long day nonetheless. I'm not willing to call this a fail, because I was thinking of getting on the elliptical but was literally falling asleep in my chair instead. Can't explain why, but it feels like an acceptable 'pass' so I'm giving it to myself.

Day 4 (Wednesday) - Was damn well gonna get on the elliptical today. But... the child I mentor on Wednesday nights looked at me with hopeful eyes and informed me that Christmas In The Park was up, and could we go, please? So we walked around browsing nomadic carnival rides and nostalgic-with-a-side-of-creepy animatronic displays. I carried with us the folding chair I always keep in the car, and took lots of breaks. Send her on a ride, sit and rest. Let her play a carnival game, sit and rest. Make her watch the perpetual motion machine in front of The Tech Museum for way longer than she wanted to because a) it's awesome and I wasn't done, and b) sit and rest. It was frustrating to need so many breaks, and painful even with the amount of breaks I took. I prolly didn't get my heart rate up enough for long enough, but I did move my body. And I broke a sweat. (Tho that could've been the pain more than the exertion. Not totally sure. But I digress....) It totally counts as exercise, and yet on the ride home I felt more motivated to get on the elliptical than I did yesterday or the day before! I didn't let myself, though, because my back is not happy from our outing this evening and I want to make sure to give it rest.

A commenter on my Day 1 post suggested the "Don't Break the Chain" model for momentum and motivation, and it definitely appeals. I want to be forming the habit of thinking every day, "have I moved my body today?" HOWEVER, the answer to that question is sometimes going to be "no" or "not in the manner I had planned" -- and that HAS TO BE OK. There are just gonna be days when life gets in the way and I give myself a pass, and/or I do some other activity that "counts" instead.

I may have some thinking to do about what, if any, ground rules I should lay for myself in terms of how many passes, in what circumstances, and/or what alternative activities "count." But on the other hand, that sounds like work. Besides, so far I'm feeling like I'm aimed in the right direction, so I think I'll continue just letting my gut guide me, at least for now. If in a few weeks the momentum is gone, I'll look at taking a less organic and improvisational / more structured and rules-y approach.

Ooh...in the meantime, I need to print out a calendar for the month of December so I can start giving myself big red X's (or perhaps shiny gold stars, cause... stickers are totally motivational!).

If you have a workout/exercise/movement routine or goal, how do you decide how many chores, how much walking at the mall, how much pickup soccer with your kids at the park, etc. is a reasonable substitution for your regularly scheduled exercise activity? Would you recommend your approach for a baby beginner exerciser, or modify it in some way?

Fat Poz Zone

Howdy folks,

Just a friendly reminder that this is a fat-positive zone. Or - if you can't quite manage that - at the very least, a weight-neutral zone. No discussion of intentional weight loss is welcome here, even if "you're just concerned about my health." That's called Concern Trolling (1) and it's not welcome here.

But how can you support me, if you can't tell me to lose weight, or share your inspiring story of how you lost half your body weight and have kept it off for 10 years and will sleep better at night knowing you've done everything you can to avoid the cancer that killed your mother? Read on, friend... read on.

A) Encourage me in my efforts at adopting weight-neutral, HAES(r)-based strategies for managing and improving my health and encourage me in those BEHAVIORS rather than in some perceived or "should" weight-loss goal.

• Studies abound which show that the positive health outcomes commonly attributed to weight loss will be achieved regardless of weight loss, if the healthy behaviors (movement, nutritious eating, etc) are adopted. (2)
• Studies also show that when weight loss is the motivating factor to exercise/eat healthfully, motivation tapers and the behaviors are abandoned when weight loss is not achieved or plateaus. On the other hand, when "feeling better" is the goal, incremental improvements provide positive reinforcement on an ongoing basis. 

B)  Even if it seems like weight loss might be the only way to improve how I feel, or if you cannot bring yourself to believe that my weight is not a causal factor in how I feel, resist the urge to suggest weight loss. Long-term, sustainable weight loss is just not possible for the vast majority of people.(3)

• The reality that doctors and diet programs fail to acknowledge is that somewhere around 95% of weight-loss diets fail. So by having weight loss as a goal, I'm very likely to be setting myself up for failure. 
• Still believe that I should be striving to be part of that 5%? Fine. Keep it to yourself, and see Point 1 -- you can encourage all the healthy behaviors you think I should be doing, and you are welcome to think to yourself that they'll lead to weight loss if that helps you support me. (Though hopefully you'll go out and read the research for yourself so you can continue to support me even when I don't "succeed" at becoming thin.) 

C)  For me personally, the suggestion that I need to lose weight is particularly harmful due to my medical history.

• If you really care about me, you will resist the urge to suggest weight loss for the simple and very personal reason that I have a history of eating disorder and the suggestion of weight loss from people I care about is very likely to bring on a relapse. I am tired of throwing up, depression, anxiety, etc. Seriously tired.

Footnotes: 
(1) On Concern Trolls: 
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/01/11/dont-cry-for-me-well-meaning-concern-troll/
http://fatheffalump.wordpress.com/2012/01/04/genuine-concern-vs-concern-trolling/

(2) On positive health outcomes independent of weight loss:
http://thinkmuscle.com/health/obesity-health-metabolic-fitness/
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2011/01/19/why-health-at-every-size/

(3) On long-term, sustainable weight loss being highly unlikely for the vast majority of people:
http://thinkmuscle.com/health/obesity-health-metabolic-fitness/
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/04/21/for-fat-patients-and-their-doctors/
http://danceswithfat.wordpress.com/2012/06/12/do-diets-fail-or-do-dieters-fail/